Confirmed!

Beta is 2526 which is very pregnant from what the nurse said. Don't even have to go back for another test because it's so high. Go back in 2 weeks to check things out. I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Thank you God. Please keep us safe.

HOLY GOODNESS!!!

This morning I peed on a stick and it came up positive! I have no idea how we did this. I'm on day 37 on my cycle, so I decided today is the day to test. This is officially the longest cycle I have ever had so I took the test and it had a +yes on it! I am in disbelief. I went to the doctor to get the blood test done and now I'm waiting on the results. I might have to wait until tomorrow to get them, so I bought more tests just so I can see it again. God, please don't let this be a mistake, let this be the real thing. I really don't know how we did this on our own. We've been trying for almost 2 years and nothing and when we take a break, this happens. I just don't know what to say. Please let it be real.

5

Since I haven't really been thinking about baby stuff for the past month or 2, I forgot how many IUI's we did. Well, we've done 5. 4 with the drugs and 1 without any drugs. So I guess I can really feel like we tried everything for that protocol. Definitely time to move onward and upward. One more month off and then it's time for more shots. :-)

Feeling much better for the past week. Now I can start looking forward to all the baby stuff again in the next week or two. Gotta set up a uterine biopsy to make sure I don't have anything wrong in that area. Maybe I want something to be wrong so we can fix it and make a baby. I don't know. I just want a baby.

My body

Well, I am infection free but still not sure what the heck is going on in my body. It is just doing what it wants to do, whenever it wants to do it. I just hope it is on some sort of schedule and normal by the new year so we can start trying for a baby again in January.

Money

I was looking at the IVF papers yesterday and when I first read them, I thought it was gonna cost us $32,000 to do this. But at 2nd glance, it seems it will only cost about $19,000. Gee, how wonderful. It's still a crap load of money but a lot less than I thought. I just hope a miracle happens and we don't have to go that route. Trying not to think about it too much until next year so I can get better and be ready for whatever we have to do.

Negative...in a good way

Well, I'm finally neagtive for the c diff. After 2 rounds of Flagyl and a month of wanting to crawl into hole I am feeling a little better. But my body is still not back on track yet so I am once again on another medication to try to nip this thing in the bud. If I'm not back to normal by next week, I have to get a colonoscopy the day before Thanksgiving. Fun times. I'm just praying really hard that I respond to the drugs and get better by next week. I'm really so over this. The weight loss is nice, 6 lbs, but not worth the agony I have been going through the past month and a half. I just want to be normal again. I guess it's good I don't have to worry about making babies at the moment. My plate is full right now.

Talking

Tony and I talked a little bit about the IVF process last night. We talked about the money and how we need to have a plan for next year no matter what which road we go down. We both think we should try the injectables first and see how that goes and then we will decide if we will do the IVF or adoption or see what other options we have. We need to save some money no matter what. At least we talked about it. He never wants to talk about it because of the money. We had a nice anniversary dinner at Texas de Brazil so that was nice.

2010

On the bench again. TOM arrived yesterday so now we are officially on hold until next year. I guess Tony will be getting his 2011 baby if we get one at all. I am being very negative right now but that's just how I feel. I feel defeated. I feel like this year is just like last year, a waste of time. We haven't gotten any closer to having a baby except that now we know what doesn't work. We still don't knwo what does work. Something could still be worng with me or him but we can't test for that until next year. Too many drugs and infections in me right now. And now IVF is truly a reality. We are probably gonna have to do it which sucks. It's so much money and so many shots and so many dr appts and just so much everything.
Anyway, I am once again giving myself the next couple of days to feel sorry for myself and then I will suck it up and try to have a happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas.

Decision

I refuse to get all depressed over this stuff. As sad as I am right now, it's not the end of the world. Not yet anyway. I still have faith that we will be parents at the end of all this, one way or the other. So we have to wait a few more months to try again, what's a few more months in the grand scheme of things? We are still young.

Discouraging news

I went to see Dr Loy yesterday so he could explain this next step in our process. I thought we would be going to injectables next cycle but now we are on a break until next year. I could still be pregnant at this very moment but if not then no more IUIs until 2010. That seems so far away. Because of this stupid c-diff issue I'm having he says I need to get healthy before we start again. Which makes sense. I've been on too much medicine lately and he says we need to get it out of my system so he can do a biopsy on my uterus to make sure I don't have a bacterial infection in there which could be prohibiting me from getting pregnant. They took my blood yesterday too to test my ovarian reserve. Won't find out for 2 weeks about that.

Also, he dropped the bomb that he went to a seminar and found out that the new thing to do is to go from IUI/ovidrel/femera straight to IVF. No stopping at the injectables. We don't have to go that route but he said that it lessens the chance of multiples and gives you a much greater chance of having a baby. He said it looks like that is gonna be our best shot. He doesn't understand why I'm not pregnant yet with everything we've done. I just started crying. Yesterday was just a bad bad day for me. Everything just came crashing down on me and I lost it. I've been sick or in pain al summer and into the fall and then to be told that, I had to go home from work after my appointment. I'm just so overwhelmed. At the start of all this it was kinda fun and exciting trying to get pregnant. Now, it's just plain scary and depressing. Thinking of all the money it looks like we are gonna have to spend and then we aren't even guaranteed a baby. And then what if nothing works? Are we destined to not have a biological baby? Just typing that hurts my heart. Will we adopt? And then there's the Tony issue. He can never seem to have a serious conversation about this. He just keeps saying 2011. I know he's on board with the baby stuff but he justwon't talk serious about it. He says he's indifferent about it because he doesn't want to get upset about it every month like I do. I get that, but I need to talk about it.

Moving

So, we are moving this weekend to our new house. We've been painting and fixing stuff for almost 3 weeks. I'm so over it but there is still much to be done. We have an empty bedroom that is just screaming for a baby to go in it. It's almost sad. Right now it is jsut an empty room but I wonder how we will feel about that room once we are actually living there. Will it just be a reflection of how I feel about all this? Or will it jsut be an empty room. Hopefully it will be filled with the cries of a baby soon. I painted it tan. Well, the IUI went okay but not great. Tony's numbers sucked the big one this time but the doc said they were still good enough to make a baby. I don't understand how last month he had 250 million sperm and this month he only had 60 million. How does it change so drastically? he better not have had a good time with himself in Jamaica. I told him not too. Anyway. This month I had 2 eggs to target and his sperm had to go and suck. Go figure. Well, maybe that's all we will need is the 2 targets. Maybe he will hit one, God willing.
My cousin is adopting 2 little girls in the next few months. She already has 3 kids. I'm jealous in a way. Why does she get to 5 kids? 5! We can't even seem to make one and she gets 5. I know it's wrong to feel this way and I AM happy for her but I'm also jealous of her. I read her blog and everything seems to be going well. They've had some bumps along the way but it's on track now. Why can't we get on track? In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I went off of birth control. 2 freaking years!!!! Granted we didn't start trying until February, but some people go off the pill and get knocked up right away. What the heck is worng with us? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? Does God jsut not want us to have biological children? At least if we knew for sure what the problem was, we could try to fix it. We thought it was the sperm, so we do the IUI to fix that, nope, not working so far. So is it really me that 's the problem? My body seems perfectly fine and normal. I don't knwo what to think anymore. God help me deal with this.

Jamaica

Tony is going to Jamaica. Out of the blue Friday he gets a call from a former client that has a hotel in Jamaica to see if he can come out and fix his gaskets. He asked if I wanted to go but I can't because I don't have any spare days at work. So he is leaving in few minutes to go to a tropical island and I'm stuck here at work. Blah! We almost missed doing the IUI this month because the nurse thought my follicles were pretty big and I would need to do it on Thursday, and of course he isn't coming home until Thursday. But I just got the call and they said we could do the IUI on Friday. So here's hoping my eggs don't ovulate until Friday afternoon and everything comes together and we make a baby this month. It's our anniversary on the 28th. that would be a good present. I'm just saying.

Fall

On to another cycle. It's finally Fall, my favorite season. I'm hoping it will be a new beginning for us. I died my hair a darker red and feel a little different. I like it. I just needed something new and it reflects my mood, a little darker side of me.
After everything seemed so perfect last cycle and then getting a BFN, I'm really getting nervous about whether we can do this. Tony asked me if I get really sad every time TOM comes and said it's complicated. Do I get sad? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Is it hard to get back on that horse again the next month knowing the possibility of failure is very much there waiting for me? Yes. But it seems that every month that we have had a negative result, there was a reason I was kinda okay with it. Whether it was because I had to be on drugs for my car accident and my teeth or because I was too stressed with buying the house and we had too many other things going on, or I had a cyst and couldn't try that month anyway, for some reason, I wasn't so sad that I sat down crying afterward. I don't want to have a crack baby or the baby to be unhealthy because I'm unhealthy! :-) I want to be the best I can be for this baby. On some level I guess I believe that maybe I still need to get through some of these other issues before God will give us a baby. Maybe that is just what I'm hoping and I'm actually in denial. Who cares. It keeps my hope alive and that is something I need.
So another cycle here we come. I think this is the last cycle we will be doing with this protocol. Next up is more shots plus the pills and IUI. I really hope we don't have to go that far, but I'm willing to if we have to. Whatever we gotta do.

Today

I've been thinking all week if I would test today or just wait it out like most other months. I've decided to wait until tomorrow to test. I havne't had any signs of anything good or bad so far. Don't know if the drugs I've had to take the past few weeks are affecting my body or what but I have a little bit of hope. I just hope that if I am pregnant, those drugs didn't hurt anything in there. It would be perfect timing if it happened this try. We just closed on our house yesterday and my teeth are feeling much better. What a great time to start growing a baby. We had our IUI on 9-9-09, maybe it was a lucky day. We will find out soon I suppose.
Crossing fingers, hoping and praying that this is it.

Teeth

Well, so much for the perfect cycle so far. I am having the worst time with my teeth. I woke up at 5 am on Saturday to the worst pain in my life. I need another root canal. I guess they awoke a sleeping monster when they did all that bone graphing and stuff in my mouth. So I've been on hardcore drugs all weekend. I know I'm not supposed to take that stuff in the 2ww, but I wanted to die it was so painful. So today I go get it done and hopefully it will fix the problem. I just hope that by taking those drugs it didn't mess anything up in my reproductive parts or hurt any little babies growing inside of me. I just have so much hope for this month. Everything seems to be perfect to create a human being inside of me this month. It would be perfect, my teeth will be fixed, we get the house and make a baby all at the same time. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

Good numbers

Well, Tony will be proud. All of his numbers for his er "deposit" came back better than ever. The doctor even said he hasn't seen numbers that high for one of the stats in a long time. So hopefully this is all good stuff and everything will do it's job and create a baby this time. I won't say I have a good feeling about this time but I will say that I feel good about this time. Best numbers yet. That's all we can ask for on his part. Now we just need everything to connect.

Starting again

So I go in for my IUI today. Dr says we can try this way 2 more times before moving to a different protocol. I pray we won't have to though.
I got my bloodwork on Sunday and they said to take my shot on Monday and make an appointment for Wendsday. Well, I forgot to make the appt and I called 20 minutes after they closed. I was so mad at myself, I started crying. I just had to hope they could get us in at the last minute this morning. Tony was a good sport about it and got up early and just went on a whim and they made room for us. Whew! I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have fit us in today. We've been on a break for 2 months now. I really wanted to get back to trying this month. So yeah, something went right. We also got an extension on our house closing. So today is a good day. I feel positive for the moment.
Everything rests on faith and hope now.

Nausea

I feel nauseas. I have so many pills in my system, I want to throw up. Most of them are from my tooth surgery so soon I will be done with them. But, Ugh!

Here we go again.

So, the cyst is finally gone. Moving forward with this next cycle.

Less stress

Well since being on a break this cycle, I have definitely been less stressed out. I've still got the house, my teeth and the car accident injuries to deal with but it is a little easier not worrying about timing for a baby and the disappointment if it didn't happen again this month. I'm completely expecting to move on to another cycle next week but for the first time in a long time, I won't be too upset about it. I know I need to get some other things out of the way first and get my ducks in a row before I need to be pregnant. I'm still as impatient as ever but I'm dealing with it a little better this time around. Of course, we still casually timed it just for fun this month because you never know. I believe in miracles, I ust wish one would happen to me. :-)
Nothing new to report until next week.

Dream

Had a dream last night that I was at the beach for our annual family beach trip and I was pregnant with twins. All of a sudden, I had the babies, one was a boy and the other a girl. We named the girl Ava and the boy we didn't know what to name it but the name Sam came to my mind. Don't know if we ever named it that. Anyway, these babies were way early or something because we had no baby gear at all. I walked into one of the rooms and my family had thrown me a shower and they were all surprised to see that I had already had the babies and that there were 2 of them. When we went to go home I realized that we couldn't because we didn't have 1 car seat let alone 2. So we were stuck. Then I woke up.
So what does that mean? We aren't ready? I'll be pregnant by next year at the beach? I'm gonna have twins? Or does it mean nothing and it's just a dream?
I guess we will see.

Time off

Cyst is still there so I'm taking the month off. I've got other things to stress about so this will just be one less thing. I thought I would be torn about it but I'm not at the moment. I need some rest from all of this and I've got too much other stuff going on right now. So hopefully the cyst will go bye bye this month and we will try again next month.

Staying on the same protocol for at least one more month once we start again. After that, it's on to 4 shots a month. Exciting.

TOM

Tom showed up yesterday. Right on time. At least that is one thing about my body that works. So, today I have an appt with the Dr. to see what we do next. I am thinking of taking a month off so I won't be so stressed with the house, teeth and baby stuff happening all at once. Who knows. I guess I'll figure it out once we talk about it. I have to move on to another protocol next time anyway, so we'll see.

So, here we are

Here we are again, at the end of another cycle. Not the real end, just starting to feel my body wind down and get ready for whatever is coming next. A fork in the road. Go to the right and we are making a baby. Go to the left and we've got the same redundancy I've been having for the past year and a half...nothing. Which way is it gonna be God? I know I have no control over it. But I hate relying on others to get stuff done. So it's hard to just give it up to God at this point. Then again, I've been trying to do it on my own with no success so why not give it up to God. I'm tired.
So many lessons to learn. I just wish I didn't feel so beaten up by the time I learn them.
I don't even know if this makes any sense.
Going on Wednesday to talk about next cycle and what we are going to do. Don't know if I will even have a next cycle, could be pregnant but I just like having my ducks in a row. Should know this some time week if I'm postive or negative anyway.

Third times a charm?

I had my IUI today. Kinda weird talking to the doc about the next cycle when I just started this one. Not that we expect it to fail or anything, but if this one doesn't work, we have to regroup and move on to somethig else. I'm not very positive this month. Not much is going right in any aspect of my life so I don't have high hopes for this to work either. I feel tired, beaten down today. The house stuff is really getting to me. I feel like we just can't win at anything at the moment. Tony doesn't help. I can't tell if he is just being a butthead about the baby stuff or if that is just his way of putting his frustration about it on me instead of dealing with it himself. I need a shoulder to lean on but I feel like I'm carrying this whole load by myself. Every month it gets heavier. Maybe we will take next month off if it doesn't work. But then again, that comes with it's own set of anxiety and wondering. We will see. Hopefully we can take the next 9 months off. :-) See I still have some hope left. Just a little.

Onward

I've been doing OPK's all week hoping that I would actually ovulate this month since this stupid cyst is making my body act dumb. So last night I did one right before bed and it was a lot darker than anything this week, so I thought maybe I'll check again tomorrow and sure enough, + OPK this morning. So I went in for a folli scan just to see what this cyst is doing and see how big my follies are. I had one big one ready to go and the cyst is finaly shrinking. It was 18mm last Monday, now it is 14mm. So tomorrow is the IUI. Not really betting on this one since it's cycle day 20 and the folli is only at 17mm but anything can happen. If this one works, it will really be a miracle. Everything is against us this cycle...no meds, a cyst, late ovulation, only 1 follicle. But hey, I'm ready for it.

Still waiting

So I haven't ovulated yet, and it's cycle day 17. I usually ovulate around day 16-20 when I'm not on drugs so I'm still waiting. No sign so far. I'm just confused as to what this cycle is gonna be like. Is that stupid cyst gonna not let me ovulate or just do it later than normal? I hate not knowing what is going on inside of me. And I hate that this is probably a wasted month. Now I have to hope and pray that the cyst goes away before the next cycle or I'll be waiting some more. They say that cysts usually take 1-3 months to go away on there own, but if this one isn't gone this cycle then I'm taking the BCP to break it up next cycle. I'm too impatient for this stuff.

Confused

What just happened? I went in on Friday for a follicle scan and I had 2 that were at 12mm each. One on each ovary. I also still had the cyst on my left ovary but she said it looked like it was starting to break down. Fast forward to today, I go in for another scan to see when I should take the ovidrel shot. Well, the 2 follicles that were at 12mm are no longer there, there are just a couple smaller ones instead. My cyst is still there, not getting any bigger but not really any smaller either. So what happened? The nurse said I might have ovulated already, but I'm only on cycle day 13. I've never ovulated that early or I might not ovulate at all because of the cyst. She pretty much didn't have a straight answer, so they took more bloodwork to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. I guess that will tell us if I did ovulate or what the heck is going on. So confusing.
Basically it looks like this month is shot. Now I just wonder when it will end since I have no idea what is going on with my body.

Denied

I hope I'm not turning into THAT girl but I turned down a chance to have dinner with some people I know from high school because no one has seen each other in years and I know they are all gonna talk about babies, babies, babies. 2 of them have 5 kids and another has twins. I just don't want to go through having to say the whole not yet speech to everybody and have them give their opinions on it. Hopefully I'm not turning into a bitter betty but i just don't want to deal with it right now.
Oh well.

Cyst

So, today I went in for my CD3 ovary check and what do you know? I have a cyst on my left ovary. That means I can't take the Femera because it will cause the cyst to grow and that would be bad.
So my options are:

1. to just take the month off and relax
2. take birth control for 2 weeks to break up the cyst and have an earlier period for next cycle
3. since I ovulate on my own anyway, take the Ovidrel shot and do the IUI without taking Femera and hope for the best

She said maybe taking the month off and just trying on our own would be good because it's less stress and maybe that will help things out. But after 14 months of trying on our own, we know that probably wouldn't work anyway. She said the birth control route would only make my cycle shorter by about a week and she didn't recommend that one. So I am going to say go for it and try the Ovidrel and IUI without the pills and see what happens. I just don't want to sit around and not try at all and possibly miss the one egg that will fertilize.

She was also going to test my ovarian reserve today but she couldn't because of the cyst. So next month I get to look forward to that. I thought I already had that tested but I guess not. That wil tell us how good my eggs are if we should continue the IUI's or if we need to move on to more aggressive treatments. Lord help me if my reserve sucks. Tony does not want to pay for IVF and it will just be devastating all around.

Gee...shocking!

Bitter party of one! That would be me. Well this month just sucked the big one all over the place. No I am not pregnant. Shocking, I know. On to IUI# 3. Lucky #3? We will see. Do I have faith that it will actually work this time? Yes, but only because I don't believe God wants us to be childless and 3 is my favorite number so maybe it will be lucky for us this time. Do I actually think it will work this time? Probably not. Why would it? What's gonna be different this time? I hope that's not putting negative energy out there but I'm just being honest with myself. I've got conflicting ideas going on in my head about all this. I've got faith on one side telling me anything is possible and trying to be realistic on the other, the %'s are not on our side. I refuse to believe that we will not be able to have a baby. So that's why I take these pills and shoot myself with meds, for the hope that it will happen.

Here we are a year and a half into this thing and nothing to show for it but doctor bills and a broken heart. Is it getting harder and harder to put myself through this every month? Yes, but it wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't so hard I guess. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for me and so easy for others. God must believe I am one strong woman to put me through this. I know he won't give me any obstacle I can't overcome or handle but sometimes it's overwhelming, especially with everything else going on. I know other people have it worse off than me in one way of the other but this is my day of the month that I let myself go off on this stuff so I'm venting and having a pity party.

God, I'm just asking that you go easy on me this month. Give me the strength to deal with whatever happens, good or bad. And give me patience to live on your time and not mine. I'm trying.

So here we go again. Good luck to myself and Tony. We need it. :-)

Body in working order

No cysts again this cycle, which is good. Done taking Femera. Worked last time, hopefully it will work again. Going on Thursday to find out. Ordered the Ovidrel shot. Not looking forward to that but at least I know I can give it to myself. Maybe this time I won't cry. Doubtful though. :-/
You would think I would have a break in thinking about all this since we are buying a house, and I've got other things to worry about, but no, still in my mind everyday. Why would it work this time? What will be different?
So many doubts but trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm trying.
So far so good this month though. :-)

Here we go again.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. :-(
IUI #1 = Negatory
Back to the drawing board.
How can you do something right so many times and have it fail time and time again? Ugh! Not fair...
Today is my pity party day. Sucky day but gotta move on.

Progesterone

So yesterday I had my progesterone checked.  Wasn't exactly sure what that is for but they said it should be over 20 at this point.  The nurse called back and said mine was over 20 so yeah for me.  She explained that basically over 20 means that I ovulated a good egg or two (hopefully only one) and that if everything met and joined together, then I would have a very good environment for growing a baby. So now, we wait to see if everything joined up correctly.  That test doesn't prove anything other than good egg ovulated and good environment.  At least we know that my body is doing what it is supposed to do.  Hopefully all that surgery and medication was worth while.  

Wait, wait, wait. 

Medicine

It's hard ignoring the big elephant in the room.  I'm doing my best to not think about it, and so far, I have been pretty good.  But it's kinda hard.  Especially since my neck hurts from that stupid car accident and I can't take the kind of medicine that I want to take on the chance that I am growing a baby inside me.  Tylenol is all I can take and it doesn't work that great.  But I'm suffering through it so not to mess up any chance I have of this thing actually working.  The hint of negativity in that last sentence, is just me trying not to get my hopes up too much.  Right now I'm at 50/50, it could go either way.  Now, back to not thinking about it for a few days.

IUI #1

It's been a long day. Had to get up at 6:15 to get Tony off to the Dr. and didn't get much sleep after that. The IUI went pretty well. Tony's #'s were up and swimming rapidly and I could feel the pains of ovulation as I normally do. So the Dr. said everything looked really good. And it didn't hurt a bit, which was a relief. I was a bit scared of the catheter after having the HSG hurt so much. So now we just sit and wait and hopefully forget all about it until the next appt. I told Tony's mom today, so that's one less person I have to keep all this from.

So it wasn't that easy.

Okay, so giving myself the shot was not as easy as I thought it would be. I got home around 7pm and I had until 8 to do it. Tony wasn't here, so I thought I would try it by myself. As I tried to take it out the packaging, I stuck myself with the needle and started bleeding and freaking out a little bit. So I was not off to a good start. Finally I iced my stomache for like 10 minutes and got ready to go. 1, 2, 3...nothing. 1,2,3...nothing, again and again, nothing. My hands just could not push it in no matter how hard I tried. My body was trembling. So I start breaking down crying. I call Tony and he doesn't answer, then my mom and she can't help me. So I tried to get Jessi over here to do it but she wasn't home. So I was on my own still. At this point it is about 7:30 and I don't know if I can do it. Finally, after more crying, and sticking myself 2 more times, I gather all my courage and said to my self, I can do it because I have to do it. So I bite the bullet and stab myself. After all that, it didn't even hurt except for the medicine going in and it was over in a few seconds. I was traumatized. I really hope that is the last time I have to do that because that will mean it worked.
Tomorrow we go to get the IUI. Think good thoughts....:-)

I'll take a shot.

Well, I went for my follicle scan on Tuesday. Nurse said I had one folli at 17mm and another at 12mm. She also took some blood to make sure the eggs were good eggs and not just cysts. I got the call later that day saying the b/w looked good and that I could take my Ovidrel shot tonight. Yeah! I'm kinda nervous about giving myself the shot but if I chicken out, I'll just have Tony do it. So once I do the shot, I should ovulate on Sunday morning. Tony goes in to give his deposit at 7:15 am on Sunday and then I go in to get the IUI at 10:15 am. Finally, we get a real chance at making a baby. I hope this works. I'm gonna try to be positive but not get my hopes up too much if that is possible. I know there is only a 20% chance of this working, but that is more than we had before.
Crossing fingers and toes, praying, wishing and hoping.

Headache

So, I have a massive headache today.  Of course it is one of the side effects of these pills.  Why do I always have to get the side effects?  I guess it's better than the crying fits of Clomid, but it took a week before I even had any side effects on that.  I'm only on day 3 and already they have started.  Hopefully this will be the only side effect.  I'm very melancholy about all this stuff at the moment, it changes day to day.  One day I'm very positive about it and the next I have my doubts.  It's just nerve racking basically leaving it all up to the doctor now.  Hoping he times it right and everything meets when and where it should.  So much left up to chance.  But I guess it's good to know at least he thinks we have a good chance.  I'm not even sure what the % of chance we have doing it this way.  He didn't really go into that, he just said he thinks this is our best shot at the moment.  I don't even want to think beyond the IUI treatment.  IVF is way to expensive and insurance doesn't cover it.  So I'm praying this works.  It's just been a sucky month and I'm ready for it to be over.  My head hurts.

Time to pop some pills

Well, I saw the nurse today and she said my little ovaries look beautiful.  All systems are a go.  Got my prescription for the Letrazole and got it filled.  Now I'm just waiting to take the first dose.  I just hope these pills are much lighter on the side effects than Clomid.  Clomid was terrible.  I cried everyday for 6 weeks on those stupid pills.  I was big ball of mess on those.  They said these pills should be much better, but I'll believe it when I experience it.  So now that my body passed that test, the next test is next Wednesday.  Blood work and another ultrasound.  If I responded well to the pills, then we can really get the show on the road and do the IUI.   Please God let it happen finally. :-)

And so it begins.

Well, TOM finally showed up, it's not what I had hoped for but at least we can finally begin on our IUI journey. Hopefully it will be a short, one cycle successful journey. It's a bittersweet day. Looking back at the calendar, we didn't even have a chance with our timing this month. I thought we were right on, but I guess not. Stupid, random, long cycle. I wish we could have done this on our own but at least the dr. thinks we have a good chance with the IUI. I'm not even nervous really. Just ready to get going. I talked to Tony about how much money it is going to cost each month and he said he is looking at it as points on the credit card, which I thought was funny. 65 points each month towards our new washing machine and dryer. We joked that we could call the baby Maytag or Electrolux. Gotta have a sense of humor about all this. So tomorrow I have to call the doctor to set up my first ultrasound and then we go from there. Hopefully my body will cooperate.

I'm back

Well, we're back form vacation. It was great. Very relaxing and beautiful in the Bahamas. Just what I needed. So now, I'm on day 34 and still no sight of TOM. I wish it would just get here if it is gonna come. I took a HPT on Thursday and of course it was negative. It could be too early but I think I just ovulated a little later than I thought. So I'm still waiting...again. Just sitting in wonderland, wishing and waiting. Such is my life.

Better

Okay, I'm feeling much better now.  It's been a week since my last post and I am much less stressed about things.  We are going to the Bahamas this weekend to just get away from everything for a few days before all this making a baby craziness starts.  Now I just have to stop stressing over the plane ride to get there. :-)

Last week we threw a Hail Mary pass as a last chance effort on our part.  We figured now that I'm all fixed, it couldn't hurt to try on our own one last time before we start the IUI process.  At least we will be able to say we tried everything we could to do it on our own.  And maybe, just maybe a miracle will happen.  

Stress

I know I should be happy that we finally have a starting point for the IUI, but the stress of the past year is just overwhelming me right now. It seems stupid to be more stressed out now than I was before, but I am. Maybe because now if it fails, we are paying for it to fail. Hopefully not though. I think I held myself together pretty well with all the negative pee sticks, taking my temp every morning, my issues, his issues, the tests, the poking and prodding, the surgeries, having no one who could really understand how I'm feeling, and all the highs of timing things right to the lows of seeing only one line on that dumb stick every month. This will be our 15th month of trying and the weight of it all is just building and building every month. I am stressed out.

So, since basically the past year has been a wash, I'm gonna try to be positive about all this and start over. Since the IUI will be our first real chance at getting pregnant, I'm gonna try to put all the negative vibes from last year away and focus on the fact that we actually have a shot at making a baby in the next month or so.

Thank goodness we are going on vacation before we start the process.

Got the go ahead

FINALLY we can start trying again.  We've been on hold since January because of my lap.  We had our appt with the dr. yesterday to figure out “the plan”.  He said we can start with the drugs next cycle.  Our magical cocktail includes Letrozole + Ovidrel + IUI= healthy baby…hopefully.

I also told my boss about some of the issues we are having.  I figured I am gonna be going to lots of dr. appts and taking random hours here and there, so instead of stressing over it, I just told her.  She was really good about it and very understanding.  She even cried with me for a minute, which was kinda weird but whatever.  That's a little weight off my shoulders.

I'm so ready to get this ball rolling.  This is gonna be a long month.

Lap is done.

I made it!  I survived the lap!  Wahoo!  

Had to be at the hospital at 5:30am on Friday.  Tony loved that, but was a good sport about it.  Him and my mom were there to send me off.  I was really  nervous but we said a little prayer and I did what I had to do.  Got wheeled away around 7:30 and was out by 9:15.  Woke up in a lot of pain.  They had to give me 3 shots of some pain medicine and some percocet to relieve it.  Finally was able to go to the bathroom after about 3 hrs so I was sent home to rest.  

I was out of work from Friday to Wednesday.  I bled for 1 day.  Had pain for about 3-4 days.  But the exhaustion kicked my butt.  I am still tired just sitting here.  I guess it will take a while to get my energy back.  I'm just glad it is over. The anticipation was the worst part of it.

Dr. said I had stage 2 endo on my ovaries and uterus and some other places.  He said he got rid of all of it.  I go back tomorrow for my post op appt to see what the next step is.  Hopefully we can go straight to IUI and not have to skip a month.  

Lap tomorrow

Well, the time is finally here.  Going in for my lap tomorrow.  I'm really nervous about being put under but I know it will be okay.  I'm hoping and praying for a positive result and that the doc gets everything out that shouldn't be in there.  Hopefully this will be just what we need to get over our hurdle and make a baby.  

Message boards

I don't really have anyone in my “real” life that I can talk to about all this IF stuff.  It's a pretty lonely road.  Sure I talk to my mom and sister about it, but they really can't understand.  They are both good about it but I feel so exposed when I talk about it to anyone other than Tony.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and my boo hoo problems.  I feel weird if I go into too much detail or talk too long about it.  It still seems like a taboo subject for a lot of people.   

I'm so glad I stumbled upon thebump.com a while ago.  I lurk a lot but I get excited when girls ask the same questions I was gonna ask and I get answers.  The girls on there seem smarter than some Drs. I've been to.  I guess when you've been poked and prodded and tested enough you start to learn what the heck is going on.  There was so much about my body that I didn't know a year ago.  But I know now.  I know more than I ever wanted to know.  :-)

I'm really ready to get this lap out of the way so we can get moving on the IUI.  I'm impatient.  Hopefully it will all turn out well.

How Ironic

How ironic is it that I have to take birth control as part of my plan to have a baby?  Go figure.

On to another cycle

So I guess we are officially on cycle 14 now.  Last month was the first time in a while that I didn't temp or keep track of anything so it wasn't shocking to not be pregnant this cycle.    But I still had a little hope in the back of my mind that maybe a miracle would happen.  On the positive side, last month I did sleep better than I have since we started this journey.  So that's something I guess.

I wish March 6 would hurry up and get here.  I'm ready to just get this stuff out of me so we can at least have a chance of making a baby.  Obviously we can't do it on our own.  :-(

On one hand I'm really scared to have the laparoscopy.  But on the other hand, I know it's a positive step forward.  One step closer to making that little baby.  

God is teaching me patience and I know it will all be worth it when our little miracle is here.

Baby Shower

So, I went to my cousin's baby shower on Valentine's Day.  It was as fun as can be. Nice to see everyone and see all the babies.  But of course, I wasn't there 20 minutes before the questions started... When are you guys gonna start trying?  Are you off the pill?  Did you go to that Dr. I told you about?  Blah, blah blah!!!  Now, I know they are asking because they care about me and not because they are trying to hurt my feelings or pry into a subject I don't want to talk about, but that is exactly what they are doing.  I literally couldn't hold any of the babies without them telling me I look like a natural or asking me if I'm practicing.  I am trying to keep our TTC journey to as small amount of people as possible.

Why don't people realize what personal questions these are?  They are basically inviting themselves into my bedroom and asking for details.  I guess maybe they think it's okay to ask such questions because making a baby was so easy for them.   Maybe they just don't realize that it isn't as easy for everyone to have a baby.  Some people have problems, some people have to go the extra mile and get lots of test and procedures done, some people are a little sad everyday because it is taking so long and they think about it all the time and they don't want to be asked these stupid questions over and over again.  I wish I could explain to them how rude it really is to ask these questions without sounding like the jerk.  They have no idea what other people are going through in private. Granted, my family aren't the only ones asking these questions, and I'm just as annoyed at those other people but this post is about the baby shower so they are getting my vent.

On a positive note, I found an old friend on Facebook that is going through similar issues and can understand what I'm going through.  So, at least now, maybe I'll have someone I can talk to who gets it.

Catching up

Tony and I have been TTC since January 2008 with no success.  We went about it on our own until October 08.  I was getting impatient and figured something must be wrong.  My cycles were pretty normal and we were timing it perfectly.   Our insurance doesn't pay for any infertility treatments so we didn't need to wait until the one year mark to get testing.  Good thing we didn't wait.   To start off, we got his tests done which came back with some issues, but the doctor said we could still work with it.  Then it was my turn for tests.  Got lots of bw done and it all came back normal.  So next we had to make sure my tubes were clear.  I got an HSG in December and everything was clear.

Since endo runs in my family, the doctor suspected that might be part of the problem.  So he did an ultrasound and found some endometriosis.  Great!  So now we have 2 problems.  Which leads us to where we are today.  I am awaiting my March 6 appointment for a laparoscopy to get rid of the endo and hopefully we'll be able to do an IUI cycle next month.

That's it for catching up.