Denied

I hope I'm not turning into THAT girl but I turned down a chance to have dinner with some people I know from high school because no one has seen each other in years and I know they are all gonna talk about babies, babies, babies. 2 of them have 5 kids and another has twins. I just don't want to go through having to say the whole not yet speech to everybody and have them give their opinions on it. Hopefully I'm not turning into a bitter betty but i just don't want to deal with it right now.
Oh well.

Cyst

So, today I went in for my CD3 ovary check and what do you know? I have a cyst on my left ovary. That means I can't take the Femera because it will cause the cyst to grow and that would be bad.
So my options are:

1. to just take the month off and relax
2. take birth control for 2 weeks to break up the cyst and have an earlier period for next cycle
3. since I ovulate on my own anyway, take the Ovidrel shot and do the IUI without taking Femera and hope for the best

She said maybe taking the month off and just trying on our own would be good because it's less stress and maybe that will help things out. But after 14 months of trying on our own, we know that probably wouldn't work anyway. She said the birth control route would only make my cycle shorter by about a week and she didn't recommend that one. So I am going to say go for it and try the Ovidrel and IUI without the pills and see what happens. I just don't want to sit around and not try at all and possibly miss the one egg that will fertilize.

She was also going to test my ovarian reserve today but she couldn't because of the cyst. So next month I get to look forward to that. I thought I already had that tested but I guess not. That wil tell us how good my eggs are if we should continue the IUI's or if we need to move on to more aggressive treatments. Lord help me if my reserve sucks. Tony does not want to pay for IVF and it will just be devastating all around.

Gee...shocking!

Bitter party of one! That would be me. Well this month just sucked the big one all over the place. No I am not pregnant. Shocking, I know. On to IUI# 3. Lucky #3? We will see. Do I have faith that it will actually work this time? Yes, but only because I don't believe God wants us to be childless and 3 is my favorite number so maybe it will be lucky for us this time. Do I actually think it will work this time? Probably not. Why would it? What's gonna be different this time? I hope that's not putting negative energy out there but I'm just being honest with myself. I've got conflicting ideas going on in my head about all this. I've got faith on one side telling me anything is possible and trying to be realistic on the other, the %'s are not on our side. I refuse to believe that we will not be able to have a baby. So that's why I take these pills and shoot myself with meds, for the hope that it will happen.

Here we are a year and a half into this thing and nothing to show for it but doctor bills and a broken heart. Is it getting harder and harder to put myself through this every month? Yes, but it wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't so hard I guess. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for me and so easy for others. God must believe I am one strong woman to put me through this. I know he won't give me any obstacle I can't overcome or handle but sometimes it's overwhelming, especially with everything else going on. I know other people have it worse off than me in one way of the other but this is my day of the month that I let myself go off on this stuff so I'm venting and having a pity party.

God, I'm just asking that you go easy on me this month. Give me the strength to deal with whatever happens, good or bad. And give me patience to live on your time and not mine. I'm trying.

So here we go again. Good luck to myself and Tony. We need it. :-)

Body in working order

No cysts again this cycle, which is good. Done taking Femera. Worked last time, hopefully it will work again. Going on Thursday to find out. Ordered the Ovidrel shot. Not looking forward to that but at least I know I can give it to myself. Maybe this time I won't cry. Doubtful though. :-/
You would think I would have a break in thinking about all this since we are buying a house, and I've got other things to worry about, but no, still in my mind everyday. Why would it work this time? What will be different?
So many doubts but trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm trying.
So far so good this month though. :-)