Onward

I've been doing OPK's all week hoping that I would actually ovulate this month since this stupid cyst is making my body act dumb. So last night I did one right before bed and it was a lot darker than anything this week, so I thought maybe I'll check again tomorrow and sure enough, + OPK this morning. So I went in for a folli scan just to see what this cyst is doing and see how big my follies are. I had one big one ready to go and the cyst is finaly shrinking. It was 18mm last Monday, now it is 14mm. So tomorrow is the IUI. Not really betting on this one since it's cycle day 20 and the folli is only at 17mm but anything can happen. If this one works, it will really be a miracle. Everything is against us this cycle...no meds, a cyst, late ovulation, only 1 follicle. But hey, I'm ready for it.

Still waiting

So I haven't ovulated yet, and it's cycle day 17. I usually ovulate around day 16-20 when I'm not on drugs so I'm still waiting. No sign so far. I'm just confused as to what this cycle is gonna be like. Is that stupid cyst gonna not let me ovulate or just do it later than normal? I hate not knowing what is going on inside of me. And I hate that this is probably a wasted month. Now I have to hope and pray that the cyst goes away before the next cycle or I'll be waiting some more. They say that cysts usually take 1-3 months to go away on there own, but if this one isn't gone this cycle then I'm taking the BCP to break it up next cycle. I'm too impatient for this stuff.

Confused

What just happened? I went in on Friday for a follicle scan and I had 2 that were at 12mm each. One on each ovary. I also still had the cyst on my left ovary but she said it looked like it was starting to break down. Fast forward to today, I go in for another scan to see when I should take the ovidrel shot. Well, the 2 follicles that were at 12mm are no longer there, there are just a couple smaller ones instead. My cyst is still there, not getting any bigger but not really any smaller either. So what happened? The nurse said I might have ovulated already, but I'm only on cycle day 13. I've never ovulated that early or I might not ovulate at all because of the cyst. She pretty much didn't have a straight answer, so they took more bloodwork to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. I guess that will tell us if I did ovulate or what the heck is going on. So confusing.
Basically it looks like this month is shot. Now I just wonder when it will end since I have no idea what is going on with my body.

Denied

I hope I'm not turning into THAT girl but I turned down a chance to have dinner with some people I know from high school because no one has seen each other in years and I know they are all gonna talk about babies, babies, babies. 2 of them have 5 kids and another has twins. I just don't want to go through having to say the whole not yet speech to everybody and have them give their opinions on it. Hopefully I'm not turning into a bitter betty but i just don't want to deal with it right now.
Oh well.

Cyst

So, today I went in for my CD3 ovary check and what do you know? I have a cyst on my left ovary. That means I can't take the Femera because it will cause the cyst to grow and that would be bad.
So my options are:

1. to just take the month off and relax
2. take birth control for 2 weeks to break up the cyst and have an earlier period for next cycle
3. since I ovulate on my own anyway, take the Ovidrel shot and do the IUI without taking Femera and hope for the best

She said maybe taking the month off and just trying on our own would be good because it's less stress and maybe that will help things out. But after 14 months of trying on our own, we know that probably wouldn't work anyway. She said the birth control route would only make my cycle shorter by about a week and she didn't recommend that one. So I am going to say go for it and try the Ovidrel and IUI without the pills and see what happens. I just don't want to sit around and not try at all and possibly miss the one egg that will fertilize.

She was also going to test my ovarian reserve today but she couldn't because of the cyst. So next month I get to look forward to that. I thought I already had that tested but I guess not. That wil tell us how good my eggs are if we should continue the IUI's or if we need to move on to more aggressive treatments. Lord help me if my reserve sucks. Tony does not want to pay for IVF and it will just be devastating all around.

Gee...shocking!

Bitter party of one! That would be me. Well this month just sucked the big one all over the place. No I am not pregnant. Shocking, I know. On to IUI# 3. Lucky #3? We will see. Do I have faith that it will actually work this time? Yes, but only because I don't believe God wants us to be childless and 3 is my favorite number so maybe it will be lucky for us this time. Do I actually think it will work this time? Probably not. Why would it? What's gonna be different this time? I hope that's not putting negative energy out there but I'm just being honest with myself. I've got conflicting ideas going on in my head about all this. I've got faith on one side telling me anything is possible and trying to be realistic on the other, the %'s are not on our side. I refuse to believe that we will not be able to have a baby. So that's why I take these pills and shoot myself with meds, for the hope that it will happen.

Here we are a year and a half into this thing and nothing to show for it but doctor bills and a broken heart. Is it getting harder and harder to put myself through this every month? Yes, but it wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't so hard I guess. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for me and so easy for others. God must believe I am one strong woman to put me through this. I know he won't give me any obstacle I can't overcome or handle but sometimes it's overwhelming, especially with everything else going on. I know other people have it worse off than me in one way of the other but this is my day of the month that I let myself go off on this stuff so I'm venting and having a pity party.

God, I'm just asking that you go easy on me this month. Give me the strength to deal with whatever happens, good or bad. And give me patience to live on your time and not mine. I'm trying.

So here we go again. Good luck to myself and Tony. We need it. :-)

Body in working order

No cysts again this cycle, which is good. Done taking Femera. Worked last time, hopefully it will work again. Going on Thursday to find out. Ordered the Ovidrel shot. Not looking forward to that but at least I know I can give it to myself. Maybe this time I won't cry. Doubtful though. :-/
You would think I would have a break in thinking about all this since we are buying a house, and I've got other things to worry about, but no, still in my mind everyday. Why would it work this time? What will be different?
So many doubts but trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm trying.
So far so good this month though. :-)

Here we go again.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. :-(
IUI #1 = Negatory
Back to the drawing board.
How can you do something right so many times and have it fail time and time again? Ugh! Not fair...
Today is my pity party day. Sucky day but gotta move on.

Progesterone

So yesterday I had my progesterone checked.  Wasn't exactly sure what that is for but they said it should be over 20 at this point.  The nurse called back and said mine was over 20 so yeah for me.  She explained that basically over 20 means that I ovulated a good egg or two (hopefully only one) and that if everything met and joined together, then I would have a very good environment for growing a baby. So now, we wait to see if everything joined up correctly.  That test doesn't prove anything other than good egg ovulated and good environment.  At least we know that my body is doing what it is supposed to do.  Hopefully all that surgery and medication was worth while.  

Wait, wait, wait. 

Medicine

It's hard ignoring the big elephant in the room.  I'm doing my best to not think about it, and so far, I have been pretty good.  But it's kinda hard.  Especially since my neck hurts from that stupid car accident and I can't take the kind of medicine that I want to take on the chance that I am growing a baby inside me.  Tylenol is all I can take and it doesn't work that great.  But I'm suffering through it so not to mess up any chance I have of this thing actually working.  The hint of negativity in that last sentence, is just me trying not to get my hopes up too much.  Right now I'm at 50/50, it could go either way.  Now, back to not thinking about it for a few days.

IUI #1

It's been a long day. Had to get up at 6:15 to get Tony off to the Dr. and didn't get much sleep after that. The IUI went pretty well. Tony's #'s were up and swimming rapidly and I could feel the pains of ovulation as I normally do. So the Dr. said everything looked really good. And it didn't hurt a bit, which was a relief. I was a bit scared of the catheter after having the HSG hurt so much. So now we just sit and wait and hopefully forget all about it until the next appt. I told Tony's mom today, so that's one less person I have to keep all this from.

So it wasn't that easy.

Okay, so giving myself the shot was not as easy as I thought it would be. I got home around 7pm and I had until 8 to do it. Tony wasn't here, so I thought I would try it by myself. As I tried to take it out the packaging, I stuck myself with the needle and started bleeding and freaking out a little bit. So I was not off to a good start. Finally I iced my stomache for like 10 minutes and got ready to go. 1, 2, 3...nothing. 1,2,3...nothing, again and again, nothing. My hands just could not push it in no matter how hard I tried. My body was trembling. So I start breaking down crying. I call Tony and he doesn't answer, then my mom and she can't help me. So I tried to get Jessi over here to do it but she wasn't home. So I was on my own still. At this point it is about 7:30 and I don't know if I can do it. Finally, after more crying, and sticking myself 2 more times, I gather all my courage and said to my self, I can do it because I have to do it. So I bite the bullet and stab myself. After all that, it didn't even hurt except for the medicine going in and it was over in a few seconds. I was traumatized. I really hope that is the last time I have to do that because that will mean it worked.
Tomorrow we go to get the IUI. Think good thoughts....:-)

I'll take a shot.

Well, I went for my follicle scan on Tuesday. Nurse said I had one folli at 17mm and another at 12mm. She also took some blood to make sure the eggs were good eggs and not just cysts. I got the call later that day saying the b/w looked good and that I could take my Ovidrel shot tonight. Yeah! I'm kinda nervous about giving myself the shot but if I chicken out, I'll just have Tony do it. So once I do the shot, I should ovulate on Sunday morning. Tony goes in to give his deposit at 7:15 am on Sunday and then I go in to get the IUI at 10:15 am. Finally, we get a real chance at making a baby. I hope this works. I'm gonna try to be positive but not get my hopes up too much if that is possible. I know there is only a 20% chance of this working, but that is more than we had before.
Crossing fingers and toes, praying, wishing and hoping.

Headache

So, I have a massive headache today.  Of course it is one of the side effects of these pills.  Why do I always have to get the side effects?  I guess it's better than the crying fits of Clomid, but it took a week before I even had any side effects on that.  I'm only on day 3 and already they have started.  Hopefully this will be the only side effect.  I'm very melancholy about all this stuff at the moment, it changes day to day.  One day I'm very positive about it and the next I have my doubts.  It's just nerve racking basically leaving it all up to the doctor now.  Hoping he times it right and everything meets when and where it should.  So much left up to chance.  But I guess it's good to know at least he thinks we have a good chance.  I'm not even sure what the % of chance we have doing it this way.  He didn't really go into that, he just said he thinks this is our best shot at the moment.  I don't even want to think beyond the IUI treatment.  IVF is way to expensive and insurance doesn't cover it.  So I'm praying this works.  It's just been a sucky month and I'm ready for it to be over.  My head hurts.

Time to pop some pills

Well, I saw the nurse today and she said my little ovaries look beautiful.  All systems are a go.  Got my prescription for the Letrazole and got it filled.  Now I'm just waiting to take the first dose.  I just hope these pills are much lighter on the side effects than Clomid.  Clomid was terrible.  I cried everyday for 6 weeks on those stupid pills.  I was big ball of mess on those.  They said these pills should be much better, but I'll believe it when I experience it.  So now that my body passed that test, the next test is next Wednesday.  Blood work and another ultrasound.  If I responded well to the pills, then we can really get the show on the road and do the IUI.   Please God let it happen finally. :-)

And so it begins.

Well, TOM finally showed up, it's not what I had hoped for but at least we can finally begin on our IUI journey. Hopefully it will be a short, one cycle successful journey. It's a bittersweet day. Looking back at the calendar, we didn't even have a chance with our timing this month. I thought we were right on, but I guess not. Stupid, random, long cycle. I wish we could have done this on our own but at least the dr. thinks we have a good chance with the IUI. I'm not even nervous really. Just ready to get going. I talked to Tony about how much money it is going to cost each month and he said he is looking at it as points on the credit card, which I thought was funny. 65 points each month towards our new washing machine and dryer. We joked that we could call the baby Maytag or Electrolux. Gotta have a sense of humor about all this. So tomorrow I have to call the doctor to set up my first ultrasound and then we go from there. Hopefully my body will cooperate.

I'm back

Well, we're back form vacation. It was great. Very relaxing and beautiful in the Bahamas. Just what I needed. So now, I'm on day 34 and still no sight of TOM. I wish it would just get here if it is gonna come. I took a HPT on Thursday and of course it was negative. It could be too early but I think I just ovulated a little later than I thought. So I'm still waiting...again. Just sitting in wonderland, wishing and waiting. Such is my life.

Better

Okay, I'm feeling much better now.  It's been a week since my last post and I am much less stressed about things.  We are going to the Bahamas this weekend to just get away from everything for a few days before all this making a baby craziness starts.  Now I just have to stop stressing over the plane ride to get there. :-)

Last week we threw a Hail Mary pass as a last chance effort on our part.  We figured now that I'm all fixed, it couldn't hurt to try on our own one last time before we start the IUI process.  At least we will be able to say we tried everything we could to do it on our own.  And maybe, just maybe a miracle will happen.  

Stress

I know I should be happy that we finally have a starting point for the IUI, but the stress of the past year is just overwhelming me right now. It seems stupid to be more stressed out now than I was before, but I am. Maybe because now if it fails, we are paying for it to fail. Hopefully not though. I think I held myself together pretty well with all the negative pee sticks, taking my temp every morning, my issues, his issues, the tests, the poking and prodding, the surgeries, having no one who could really understand how I'm feeling, and all the highs of timing things right to the lows of seeing only one line on that dumb stick every month. This will be our 15th month of trying and the weight of it all is just building and building every month. I am stressed out.

So, since basically the past year has been a wash, I'm gonna try to be positive about all this and start over. Since the IUI will be our first real chance at getting pregnant, I'm gonna try to put all the negative vibes from last year away and focus on the fact that we actually have a shot at making a baby in the next month or so.

Thank goodness we are going on vacation before we start the process.

Got the go ahead

FINALLY we can start trying again.  We've been on hold since January because of my lap.  We had our appt with the dr. yesterday to figure out “the plan”.  He said we can start with the drugs next cycle.  Our magical cocktail includes Letrozole + Ovidrel + IUI= healthy baby…hopefully.

I also told my boss about some of the issues we are having.  I figured I am gonna be going to lots of dr. appts and taking random hours here and there, so instead of stressing over it, I just told her.  She was really good about it and very understanding.  She even cried with me for a minute, which was kinda weird but whatever.  That's a little weight off my shoulders.

I'm so ready to get this ball rolling.  This is gonna be a long month.