Fall

On to another cycle. It's finally Fall, my favorite season. I'm hoping it will be a new beginning for us. I died my hair a darker red and feel a little different. I like it. I just needed something new and it reflects my mood, a little darker side of me.
After everything seemed so perfect last cycle and then getting a BFN, I'm really getting nervous about whether we can do this. Tony asked me if I get really sad every time TOM comes and said it's complicated. Do I get sad? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Is it hard to get back on that horse again the next month knowing the possibility of failure is very much there waiting for me? Yes. But it seems that every month that we have had a negative result, there was a reason I was kinda okay with it. Whether it was because I had to be on drugs for my car accident and my teeth or because I was too stressed with buying the house and we had too many other things going on, or I had a cyst and couldn't try that month anyway, for some reason, I wasn't so sad that I sat down crying afterward. I don't want to have a crack baby or the baby to be unhealthy because I'm unhealthy! :-) I want to be the best I can be for this baby. On some level I guess I believe that maybe I still need to get through some of these other issues before God will give us a baby. Maybe that is just what I'm hoping and I'm actually in denial. Who cares. It keeps my hope alive and that is something I need.
So another cycle here we come. I think this is the last cycle we will be doing with this protocol. Next up is more shots plus the pills and IUI. I really hope we don't have to go that far, but I'm willing to if we have to. Whatever we gotta do.