Thursday, October 29, 2009


Tony and I talked a little bit about the IVF process last night. We talked about the money and how we need to have a plan for next year no matter what which road we go down. We both think we should try the injectables first and see how that goes and then we will decide if we will do the IVF or adoption or see what other options we have. We need to save some money no matter what. At least we talked about it. He never wants to talk about it because of the money. We had a nice anniversary dinner at Texas de Brazil so that was nice.

Monday, October 26, 2009


On the bench again. TOM arrived yesterday so now we are officially on hold until next year. I guess Tony will be getting his 2011 baby if we get one at all. I am being very negative right now but that's just how I feel. I feel defeated. I feel like this year is just like last year, a waste of time. We haven't gotten any closer to having a baby except that now we know what doesn't work. We still don't knwo what does work. Something could still be worng with me or him but we can't test for that until next year. Too many drugs and infections in me right now. And now IVF is truly a reality. We are probably gonna have to do it which sucks. It's so much money and so many shots and so many dr appts and just so much everything.
Anyway, I am once again giving myself the next couple of days to feel sorry for myself and then I will suck it up and try to have a happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I refuse to get all depressed over this stuff. As sad as I am right now, it's not the end of the world. Not yet anyway. I still have faith that we will be parents at the end of all this, one way or the other. So we have to wait a few more months to try again, what's a few more months in the grand scheme of things? We are still young.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Discouraging news

I went to see Dr Loy yesterday so he could explain this next step in our process. I thought we would be going to injectables next cycle but now we are on a break until next year. I could still be pregnant at this very moment but if not then no more IUIs until 2010. That seems so far away. Because of this stupid c-diff issue I'm having he says I need to get healthy before we start again. Which makes sense. I've been on too much medicine lately and he says we need to get it out of my system so he can do a biopsy on my uterus to make sure I don't have a bacterial infection in there which could be prohibiting me from getting pregnant. They took my blood yesterday too to test my ovarian reserve. Won't find out for 2 weeks about that.

Also, he dropped the bomb that he went to a seminar and found out that the new thing to do is to go from IUI/ovidrel/femera straight to IVF. No stopping at the injectables. We don't have to go that route but he said that it lessens the chance of multiples and gives you a much greater chance of having a baby. He said it looks like that is gonna be our best shot. He doesn't understand why I'm not pregnant yet with everything we've done. I just started crying. Yesterday was just a bad bad day for me. Everything just came crashing down on me and I lost it. I've been sick or in pain al summer and into the fall and then to be told that, I had to go home from work after my appointment. I'm just so overwhelmed. At the start of all this it was kinda fun and exciting trying to get pregnant. Now, it's just plain scary and depressing. Thinking of all the money it looks like we are gonna have to spend and then we aren't even guaranteed a baby. And then what if nothing works? Are we destined to not have a biological baby? Just typing that hurts my heart. Will we adopt? And then there's the Tony issue. He can never seem to have a serious conversation about this. He just keeps saying 2011. I know he's on board with the baby stuff but he justwon't talk serious about it. He says he's indifferent about it because he doesn't want to get upset about it every month like I do. I get that, but I need to talk about it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


So, we are moving this weekend to our new house. We've been painting and fixing stuff for almost 3 weeks. I'm so over it but there is still much to be done. We have an empty bedroom that is just screaming for a baby to go in it. It's almost sad. Right now it is jsut an empty room but I wonder how we will feel about that room once we are actually living there. Will it just be a reflection of how I feel about all this? Or will it jsut be an empty room. Hopefully it will be filled with the cries of a baby soon. I painted it tan. Well, the IUI went okay but not great. Tony's numbers sucked the big one this time but the doc said they were still good enough to make a baby. I don't understand how last month he had 250 million sperm and this month he only had 60 million. How does it change so drastically? he better not have had a good time with himself in Jamaica. I told him not too. Anyway. This month I had 2 eggs to target and his sperm had to go and suck. Go figure. Well, maybe that's all we will need is the 2 targets. Maybe he will hit one, God willing.
My cousin is adopting 2 little girls in the next few months. She already has 3 kids. I'm jealous in a way. Why does she get to 5 kids? 5! We can't even seem to make one and she gets 5. I know it's wrong to feel this way and I AM happy for her but I'm also jealous of her. I read her blog and everything seems to be going well. They've had some bumps along the way but it's on track now. Why can't we get on track? In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I went off of birth control. 2 freaking years!!!! Granted we didn't start trying until February, but some people go off the pill and get knocked up right away. What the heck is worng with us? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? Does God jsut not want us to have biological children? At least if we knew for sure what the problem was, we could try to fix it. We thought it was the sperm, so we do the IUI to fix that, nope, not working so far. So is it really me that 's the problem? My body seems perfectly fine and normal. I don't knwo what to think anymore. God help me deal with this.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Tony is going to Jamaica. Out of the blue Friday he gets a call from a former client that has a hotel in Jamaica to see if he can come out and fix his gaskets. He asked if I wanted to go but I can't because I don't have any spare days at work. So he is leaving in few minutes to go to a tropical island and I'm stuck here at work. Blah! We almost missed doing the IUI this month because the nurse thought my follicles were pretty big and I would need to do it on Thursday, and of course he isn't coming home until Thursday. But I just got the call and they said we could do the IUI on Friday. So here's hoping my eggs don't ovulate until Friday afternoon and everything comes together and we make a baby this month. It's our anniversary on the 28th. that would be a good present. I'm just saying.