I love you.

I was raised in a home where my mom told us she loved us all the time. Sometimes I thought it was too often but I guess you can never hear those words too much. I don’t remember my dad saying it as much or very often at all until it was too late and I didn’t want to hear it from him. I never understood the need to say it so much until I had Jax. I tell him I love him all the time. I can’t not tell him how much I love him when I’m holding him. It just comes out, almost involuntarily. I’m busting at the seams with love for this kid. I’ve never felt this way about anything or anyone before.

Tony, for some stupid reason, seems to think it is not manly for fathers to tell their male children that they love them. I don’t know where he got that from. I know plenty of guys that tell their dad they love them and visa versa. And they are probably more manly because they can show those emotions. I know Tony loves this kid more than he can even explain to anyone. He can’t even try to hide it, it emits from him when he’s with Jax. But saying it and feeling it are two different things I guess. I’m working on him and tearing down that wall. I know what happens when you wait too long to say it. Soon Jax will be saying it and he’ll have no choice but to say it back or I’ll kick his butt.

Our parents want us to be better than them and I want Jax to be better than us. Tony and I are both greedy with the L word in general. Not to each other but to other people. I want to raise Jax to be able to express his emotions and when he feels love, to just say it . No shame, just say it. I want him to be able to talk to us about anything and everything no matter how uncomfortable it might make us or him feel. My mom is a parent when we need it and a friend when we need it. You can be both. I can only hope Jax wants to be my friend when he is older and that he tells me he loves me all the time.  :-)

New pics

 Swinging away at the park.

 First time at Chuck E.Cheese.

 Playing with Joy.

 Just being funny.

My sweet little boy.

Mohawk

So, we tried the mokawk a few weeks ago while we were at the beach and we were not a fan. Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we? Right? Well, we don't like it. Even Jax turned his nose up at it in the picture. He's all head and no hair!  So here it is and there it goes.

 Eh!

 Please put my hair down now.

Birthday stuff

Well, it's finally here, almost.  Jax's first birthday is a week and a half away.  I got a big box in the mail a few days ago with lots of decorations I had ordered.  I'm not a party thrower, I'm a party goer.  So I didn't think I would excited about having to plan this birthday party, but I must say, I'm a little excited.  We've kept it very small so that makes things easier.  Just a family get-together with gifts, cake and food.

I can't believe he has been in our life for a year now.  Technically, it's been longer if you count the days he was in my belly.  He is getting such a big personality now.  He makes jokes and laughs at himself and us and he throws super big temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way.  He tells you want he wants by pointing to it and he chases the dog down every chance he gets and laughs about it.  He has about 5 "words" now...mama, dada, nana, yaya, baba.  Not sure what some of them mean but he loves yelling them out all the time.  And I swear he just said "all done" the other day. 

He is walking along the furniture like crazy but crawling is still his favorite mode of transportation at the moment.  He is not ready to let go just yet, so I think walking is a little bit away.  I'm in no rush to have him do anything he's not ready to do.  So he can just take his time.  I've always said, this may be the only kid I get to have, so I want to enjoy every little phase he goes through and not push him to the next too soon.  So far, this is my favorite phase yet.  He is so lovable and huggable and you can tell how much he loves us even though he can't say it yet.  I am his favorite person right now and I know that will change at some point in the future so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.  My baby is growing up and it's sad and happy at the same time. :-(  :-)

Blah!

I haven't really had the urge to write on this for a while.  Jax has been teething for the past 2 weeks, which means we have all been miserable and getting no sleep.  I started part time 2 weeks ago and I feel more tired now even though I'm only working 3 days a week.  He is waking up 2-3x a night, every night for 2 weeks now.  Sometimes for an hour at a time.  Tony and I switch off but I wake up everytime he cries. It is exhausting.  I feel so bad for Jax.  He is half a sleep but still whaling in pain in the middle of the night.  I have never seen him like this.  He is normally such a happy go lucky little boy but right now, he is moody, clingy, and demanding all day and can't sleep at night.  He has 4 teeth coming in.  They need to hurry up.

Last night when he woke up at 4am, I took him to the rocker to feed and rock him and he just laid there in my lap, his eyes closed, playing with my fingers, just drinking away, finally at peace for the moment. I love it when he plays with my hands or fingers when he dream feeds. It was a sweet little moment.

Teething

I hate teething.  I'm sure Jax hates it more than me since he is the one that is physically going through it.  I hate to see my baby in so much pain that he is crying inconsolably and whaling backwards in my arms at 3am two nights in a row.  Why does it have to be so hard on him? I heard that some babies just breeze through it like it's nothing.  Not my baby.  He is miserable.  It only seems to affect him at night.  I guess he is so preoccupied during the day that he can ignore the pain.  Tylenol helps a little but it takes a while to take affect.  I can see the tooth that we are dealing with.  Right now, it just looks like a white bubble on his gum.  I hope it breaks through soon.  I hate to see him in so much pain. Poor baby.  :-(

Learning

• I'm sorry if sometimes I get mad when you play with your food and beat the table instead of eating.  I just want you to be healthy and full.
• I'm sorry if sometimes I get frustrated when you wake in the middle of the night and it takes an hour and a half to get you to go back to sleep.  I just want you to be on a schedule taht doesn't consist of you waking up at 3am.
• I'm sorry if I don't read to you everyday. I forget sometimes and want to do other things with you but I do want you to be smart, so I'll work on it.
• I'm sorry that I can't play with you the way daddy does, all rough and boyish. I am injured so I have to be careful.
• I'm sorry I can't understand some of the things you are trying to communicate. I don't speak fluent baby talk.

As you are trying to learn all the things of the world, I am learning too. I am learning to be a good mom and teach you what you need to be taught, love you and comfort you how you need to loved and put you on the right path.  I may not be doing everything right but hopefully I'm doing those things right.

11 months (a little late again)

You are starting to look like such a little boy now.  Your hair has finally come in enough to brush it and it looks so cute.  But, we still have no idea what color it is gonna be.  When we are outside, it looks like it is strawberry blond, inside, it looks like it will be a medium to dark brown.  You are gonna look like a totally different baby once you have a full head of hair. 

You finally said mama this month.  It is so cute to watch you say it because you do a weird little thing with your lips every time.  It still takes a lot of effort but you say it all the time now.

You are talking so much now.  And by talking, I mean, bababa, yayaya, dadada, mamama, gagaga, digdugdigdug???  You ask questions all the time but we have no idea what they are.

You are sharing your food now.  You offer it to us but will only give it to us if you can feed it to us.  We can't just take it from you.

You can climb and cruise the furniture.

You are walking with our push cart all over the house now.  One day you just decided to stand up and push it.

You learned to say Uh Oh!  And you say it all the time.  Sometimes you throw your pacifier out of your crib and then say Uh Oh! and make us come and give it back to you just so you can do it over and over again.  It's funny but gets a little tiring for mama and daddy after a while.

You have such a fun personality and you get and give jokes.

You chase Sadie around the house and pull on Joy's tale.  You really like both of them but you just don't understand how to play with them yet.

You are two and a half feet tall and weigh 22 pounds.  You are wearing size 4 diapers and size 12 and 18 months clothes.

You are growing up way to fast but I love watching it happen and being there for it all.  I love you bubba more than you know.