Acceptance

Not by choice, but over the past year, I have had to accept the fact that Jax will be our only child. It is only recently that I have really come to accept it.  It tears me up inside just writing about it because it makes it that much more real.  I really wanted him to have a sibling, someone that even when they didn't get along, they would always have that brotherly/sisterly bond and someone to be by them even when we are gone. I don't talk to my sister everyday or see her every week but I know if I needed her she would be there.  She knows things no one else knows about me for the simple fact that she is my sister.  We haven't always gotten along but we have a bond that is forever, no matter what.  I just wanted that for Jax but I can't give it to him and that sucks.  I wish he had a closer relationship with his cousins but that hasn't really happened yet.  I don't know if it is because he is younger or what, maybe when he is older they will hang out more.

When Jax was 3 months old, I tripped over the dog while holding him and I saved him from getting hurt and not me.  I got 3 bulging discs in my neck and back and have tried everything from Icy Hot to shots to massage and chiropractors and medication to take away my pain.  I had hoped that my pain would go away or we could find a solution to fix me but the only thing that works is medication.  Medication that I cannot stop.  If I do, I cannot pick up or play with my baby and I am in terrible pain 24 hours a day.  How can I get pregnant or be pregnant if I can't stop the meds?  The answer is I can't.  At this point, there is no end game to this medication.  I am on it for the long haul.  Adoption is not an option for us.  Some people are made to adopt and some people are not.  We are not.  So this is the situation we are in.

I have been trying to focus on the positives of having only one child.  We can spoil him (if we want).  We can send him to the best schools. He won't have to share our attention or clothes with anyone else.  We can be there for all the important stuff and not have to split it up or alternate between another kid.   We can save more money for our future and for his college.  He will be more independent.  I know there are more things, these are just some of them.

Jax is imperfect perfection to me...if that makes sense.  He is as stubborn as Tony and I put together and has my temper and hates vegetables, and is scared of loud noises and loves to throw things he's not supposed to but he also gives hugs and kisses and tells us he loves us and sleeps just like his daddy and has my chin and a giggle that makes me laugh so hard and I love all of it.  Every little bit of him, I love. 

If he is the only little baby I get to have, then I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  He is everything I hoped and prayed he would be.  He got the best and worst of Tony and I and I love all of it.

I am sad and happy right now.