Thursday, October 15, 2009


So, we are moving this weekend to our new house. We've been painting and fixing stuff for almost 3 weeks. I'm so over it but there is still much to be done. We have an empty bedroom that is just screaming for a baby to go in it. It's almost sad. Right now it is jsut an empty room but I wonder how we will feel about that room once we are actually living there. Will it just be a reflection of how I feel about all this? Or will it jsut be an empty room. Hopefully it will be filled with the cries of a baby soon. I painted it tan. Well, the IUI went okay but not great. Tony's numbers sucked the big one this time but the doc said they were still good enough to make a baby. I don't understand how last month he had 250 million sperm and this month he only had 60 million. How does it change so drastically? he better not have had a good time with himself in Jamaica. I told him not too. Anyway. This month I had 2 eggs to target and his sperm had to go and suck. Go figure. Well, maybe that's all we will need is the 2 targets. Maybe he will hit one, God willing.
My cousin is adopting 2 little girls in the next few months. She already has 3 kids. I'm jealous in a way. Why does she get to 5 kids? 5! We can't even seem to make one and she gets 5. I know it's wrong to feel this way and I AM happy for her but I'm also jealous of her. I read her blog and everything seems to be going well. They've had some bumps along the way but it's on track now. Why can't we get on track? In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I went off of birth control. 2 freaking years!!!! Granted we didn't start trying until February, but some people go off the pill and get knocked up right away. What the heck is worng with us? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? Does God jsut not want us to have biological children? At least if we knew for sure what the problem was, we could try to fix it. We thought it was the sperm, so we do the IUI to fix that, nope, not working so far. So is it really me that 's the problem? My body seems perfectly fine and normal. I don't knwo what to think anymore. God help me deal with this.

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