Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bad mama

I felt like a bad mother yesterday.  I took the day off to just get some sleep and hang out with Jax and just relax.  Well, my day didn't go at all as I planned.  I woke up with a sore throat, headache and my ears hurt.  So I ended up at the doctor's office, got some meds and went home.  I treated myself to a DQ blizzard thinking that would make me feel a little better, but all it did was remind me that I need to lose weight, so I felt guilty about eating it.  Oh well, I ate it anyway.  Jax has been teething or something for the past week and has been very irritable when it comes time to eat.  All weekend he gave me trouble breastfeeding.  He did fine eating from the bottle but when it came from me, he refused almost everytime.  We tried giving him Tylenol and Orajel but they only worked if I  fed him like an hour after giving it to him, so in the meantime, he would be screaming or whining.  You can't really time when a baby is hungry.  They are when they are and they let you know if you are late.  I was getting very frustrated and feeling rejected.  I know it isn't his fault but I couldn't help but be a little resentful to the little guy.  All I could think of was that he is gonna ruin my supply and we are gonna have to stop breastfeeding if he didn't wise up and eat from me.  Why can't he realize what a good thing we've got going here?  This is our time together and he's ruining it.  I ahd to pass him off to Tony a few times because I was so frustrated.  I know he could feel my frustration and that was part of the problem.  I know he is in pain and can't help it if it feels better to eat from the bottle.  I just felt like a terrible mama yesterday for having those thoughts.  I'm sure it's normal to feel this way from time to time but I still felt bad.  Tony doesn't understand any of it.  I swear sometimes he is just so basic in his thinking.  He has no empathy and says the wrong things at the wrong times sometimes.  If he has never experienced it, he doesn't get it.  Anyway, this isn't about him.  Jax had a terrible night which means we all had a terrible night.  I thought he was asleep and went in the room to go to bed only to find him wide awake.  I gave him to Tony thinking he would go back to sleep pretty easy, having just been fed, but no, he screamed for an hour and a half.  Nothing could console him.  We tried feeding him again, burping him, rocking him, putting him in the swing, playing with him, nothing worked.  So I fed him another ounce and he was out like a light for the rest of the night at 1 am.  So much for my restful day with my kid.

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