Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I love you.

I was raised in a home where my mom told us she loved us all the time. Sometimes I thought it was too often but I guess you can never hear those words too much. I don’t remember my dad saying it as much or very often at all until it was too late and I didn’t want to hear it from him. I never understood the need to say it so much until I had Jax. I tell him I love him all the time. I can’t not tell him how much I love him when I’m holding him. It just comes out, almost involuntarily. I’m busting at the seams with love for this kid. I’ve never felt this way about anything or anyone before.

Tony, for some stupid reason, seems to think it is not manly for fathers to tell their male children that they love them. I don’t know where he got that from. I know plenty of guys that tell their dad they love them and visa versa. And they are probably more manly because they can show those emotions. I know Tony loves this kid more than he can even explain to anyone. He can’t even try to hide it, it emits from him when he’s with Jax. But saying it and feeling it are two different things I guess. I’m working on him and tearing down that wall. I know what happens when you wait too long to say it. Soon Jax will be saying it and he’ll have no choice but to say it back or I’ll kick his butt.

Our parents want us to be better than them and I want Jax to be better than us. Tony and I are both greedy with the L word in general. Not to each other but to other people. I want to raise Jax to be able to express his emotions and when he feels love, to just say it . No shame, just say it. I want him to be able to talk to us about anything and everything no matter how uncomfortable it might make us or him feel. My mom is a parent when we need it and a friend when we need it. You can be both. I can only hope Jax wants to be my friend when he is older and that he tells me he loves me all the time.  :-)

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