Wednesday, October 5, 2011


It was around this time 2 years ago that the doctor told us to take a chill pill and relax for a few months because my body wasn't in any shape to make a baby.  After trying for 2 years with nothing to show for it and no reasons why, that was a hard pill to swallow.  Infertility sucks!  I knew we would get our baby one way or the other, but I had to live my life in the meantime.  I couldn't let it consume me.  Even in the darkness of it all, there were wonderful things happening all around me that I didn't want to miss because I was wallowing in my own self pity. Some things only happen once and then they are gone.  As hard as it was for me to go, I tried not to miss any baby showers or birthday parties I was invited to because, even though I was sad about our situation, I was still happy that my cousins and friends were living the dream I had for myself.  And while I was there, I actually had a good time holding the babies and hanging out with my family. I tried to make the best of our situation all while still going about the daily grind.

I held a lot of my anger and frustration and sadness in during those 2 years and it probably just added to our delay in getting pregnant.  My body could only stand so much and holding in all my feelings and worries didn't make me healthy or happy.  It just made me more miserable because I wasn't talking about it and letting it out.  I was very embarrassed and prideful when it came to our infertility in the beginning. I didn't talk to anyone about it for over a year.  Not even my mom.  I thought I was the only one it was happening to.  It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant.  But, once I started talking about it with other family members and friends, I found out I wasn't alone.  Yes, some of them were getting pregnant and having babies but I found out that it wasn't all smooth sailing for some of them either.  A lot of them either had problems getting pregnant or they had at least one miscarriage before they finally had their baby.  And once I told them about our issues, I had a new cheering and praying section backing us up.  Once I let people in, a weight was lifted.

I know my story has a happy ending, but what we went through to get that little baby will always be a part of our story.  I don't know if we will have another baby or not, but if we decide to try again, that struggle that we went through will always be a worry to me. Will we have those issues again? Was it all a one time miracle? I hope that whatever our issues were, they have fixed themselves but you never know until you try.  With my age, comes other issues.  If this is the only baby I have, then that's okay too.  If I had to pick one perfect baby for Tony and I, it would be Jax.

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