First OB appt

Went to my first OB appt yesterday. Took some blood and urine and got an exam. I think I could have seen it again but I stupidly told her that I just had an ultrasound on Friday, so she said we could use that at dating the pregnancy. So now I won't get to see it again for 3 more weeks. Ugh! the days are dragging on. I'm so ready to be out of the first trimester so I don't have to worry so much. I know anything can happen at any time but I will just feel so much better once I see it again and can move into the next trimester and tell everybody.

So far, being pregnant is not very fun. The only fun thing is realizing that I am pregnant and see it on the ultrasounds. Everyone says it will get better and I hope they are right. My back is killing me now.

New Bras

So I had to buy new bras already. Had to move up to the 38C. I would have taken a 40C but I couldn't find any. I just like to breathe and my 38B is not cutting it anymore. It seems early to move up in size already but in my family, that's the first thing to get huge. At least I can breathe today.

Seeing is believing

We got to see the baby again today. I am measuring at 8 weeks today and everything looks great. The heartbeat was 165, which the Dr. said was strong and the baby pretty much doubled in size. It was neat to see how much bigger it was than last time.

I still feel sick every day and my boobs are getting huge. At least to my standards.

We decided to tell more of our family today. I also told the Marketing and HR dept at work. That was nerve racking but it's done. Not sure how or when we will tell the rest of the world. We'll see.

Baby keep on growing beautiful, strong, and healthy.

Blah!

So morning, afternoon and night sickness has set in. Mostly afternoon and night sickness. Haven't gotten sick yet just nauseaus all day. I have to talk myself into eating and what I'm gonna eat. Today my mantra was, I like chicken, I like chicken, as I made myself eat my lunch. Chicken is grossing me out lately but I love it, or at least I used to. I don't know what else to eat. I tried a cheeseburger yesterday which seemed to go down okay. The ginger ale seems to be working but the crackers don't cut it. Peanut butter seems to help too. I miss liking food and I'm only 7.5 weeks in. Hopefully I'll got off easy and this will be the worst of it.

What To Expect...

I bought the book What To Expect When You're Expecting yesterday. Goodness,that is a scary book. I want to be informed but some of that stuff maybe you should just find out as you go. I made the mistake of skipping some chapters and going right to the labor and delivery chapters. Big mistake, as if my stomach wasn't feeling upset enough, that almost made me hurl. I had to put it down and stop thinking about it. I read up until the 3 month, so I don't think I'm gonna read anymore until I'm there. No need to skip ahead anymore.

Aversions

Better pics of our blueberry.

So, for the past 2 nights I've had some sort of chicken for dinner. Chicken with mushroom rice and then fired chicken from KFC. Both times I had to push the chicken aside and just eat the rice or mashed potatoes on my plate. My stomach is not having any of the chicken. Everyone knows that I'm a chicken girl. I eat it almost every day. What the heck am I gonna do if I can't eat chicken for the next 7.5 months? I love chicken, it's my go to meal. I hope it's just a 2 day faze or something. Nothing tastes the same anymore.

Positive thought: At least I'm not throwing up yet.

First picture

Blurry picture of our baby. The size of a blueberry. I am measuring 6 weeks and 3 days. We originally thought I was 7 weeks 1 day but he said I probably ovulated late. We heard the heartbeat and saw it flicker on the screen. Even Tony thought that was cool. I feel so much better now that we know it's in there growing and it has a strong heartbeat. I go back in about 10 days to get another ultrasound and then he will release me to my OB/GYN if everything looks good. So far so good though. Now we can breathe a sigh of relief but we've still got a long way to go. My new due date is September 5.

Told the family

So we told the family last Wednesday. I had gone out to look at wedding stuff with Karrie, my mom and Kristi earlier that day and it was so hard not to tell them, but Tony wanted the parents to find out at the same time. So we all went out to dinner and Carol and mom were talking about Karrie's wedding plans and I busted in saying: Karrie wants to have her wedding in July or August, and Carol is just shaking her head yes, yes, then I said, well that will be unfortunate for me bacause I will be about 7.5 months pregnant at that time. Carol was still shaking her head in agreement and she finally realized what I said and she screamed a little bit and my mom screamed a little bit and said really? I said yes and she squeezed the life and crying out of me. Everyone was in skock obviously since we were supposed to be on a break and we pretty much had no faith that we could do it on our own. Mike shook Tony's hand and Tony acted like the butthead he said he was gonna be. But I knew he was gonna act like a dork so I didn't care.

Then we went and told Kristi, Tony and Kylee. I asked Kristi if we could come over and give Kylee a belated Christmas gift. When we got there, I told Kylee we had one more gift for her and she was all excited. Then I told her that the gift isn't here yet and wouldn't be here for another 7.5 months. Kristi realized what I was talking about and about jumped for joy but I asked Kylee if she knew what would take 7.5 months to get here. She said no, and I said well do you know what takes 9 months to get here? Adn she got this big grin and said A BABY? And I said yes, and she jumped up and gave me a big hug.

I told my dad that night too and I got the response I prety much expected...I said happy new year and he said, yeah, it's been great so far. Then I said I'm pregnant and he said congratulations and then we pretty much hung up. Whatever. I did my duty and told him, I'm done going out of my way to tell him stuff. Not gonna stress over it.

Tony has gotten much better at accepting the reality of all this. We are both still in shock and a little bit of we will believe it when we see it. That will be on Tuesday, so it's getting closer.

I haven't really felt too bad so far. My boobs are killing me and I'm going to the bathroom much more now. I'm a little more tired but not that bad. No morning sickness yet, but it's still early. I've felt a little queasy but nothing bad at all.

Confirmed!

Beta is 2526 which is very pregnant from what the nurse said. Don't even have to go back for another test because it's so high. Go back in 2 weeks to check things out. I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Thank you God. Please keep us safe.

HOLY GOODNESS!!!

This morning I peed on a stick and it came up positive! I have no idea how we did this. I'm on day 37 on my cycle, so I decided today is the day to test. This is officially the longest cycle I have ever had so I took the test and it had a +yes on it! I am in disbelief. I went to the doctor to get the blood test done and now I'm waiting on the results. I might have to wait until tomorrow to get them, so I bought more tests just so I can see it again. God, please don't let this be a mistake, let this be the real thing. I really don't know how we did this on our own. We've been trying for almost 2 years and nothing and when we take a break, this happens. I just don't know what to say. Please let it be real.

5

Since I haven't really been thinking about baby stuff for the past month or 2, I forgot how many IUI's we did. Well, we've done 5. 4 with the drugs and 1 without any drugs. So I guess I can really feel like we tried everything for that protocol. Definitely time to move onward and upward. One more month off and then it's time for more shots. :-)

Feeling much better for the past week. Now I can start looking forward to all the baby stuff again in the next week or two. Gotta set up a uterine biopsy to make sure I don't have anything wrong in that area. Maybe I want something to be wrong so we can fix it and make a baby. I don't know. I just want a baby.

My body

Well, I am infection free but still not sure what the heck is going on in my body. It is just doing what it wants to do, whenever it wants to do it. I just hope it is on some sort of schedule and normal by the new year so we can start trying for a baby again in January.

Money

I was looking at the IVF papers yesterday and when I first read them, I thought it was gonna cost us $32,000 to do this. But at 2nd glance, it seems it will only cost about $19,000. Gee, how wonderful. It's still a crap load of money but a lot less than I thought. I just hope a miracle happens and we don't have to go that route. Trying not to think about it too much until next year so I can get better and be ready for whatever we have to do.

Negative...in a good way

Well, I'm finally neagtive for the c diff. After 2 rounds of Flagyl and a month of wanting to crawl into hole I am feeling a little better. But my body is still not back on track yet so I am once again on another medication to try to nip this thing in the bud. If I'm not back to normal by next week, I have to get a colonoscopy the day before Thanksgiving. Fun times. I'm just praying really hard that I respond to the drugs and get better by next week. I'm really so over this. The weight loss is nice, 6 lbs, but not worth the agony I have been going through the past month and a half. I just want to be normal again. I guess it's good I don't have to worry about making babies at the moment. My plate is full right now.

Talking

Tony and I talked a little bit about the IVF process last night. We talked about the money and how we need to have a plan for next year no matter what which road we go down. We both think we should try the injectables first and see how that goes and then we will decide if we will do the IVF or adoption or see what other options we have. We need to save some money no matter what. At least we talked about it. He never wants to talk about it because of the money. We had a nice anniversary dinner at Texas de Brazil so that was nice.

2010

On the bench again. TOM arrived yesterday so now we are officially on hold until next year. I guess Tony will be getting his 2011 baby if we get one at all. I am being very negative right now but that's just how I feel. I feel defeated. I feel like this year is just like last year, a waste of time. We haven't gotten any closer to having a baby except that now we know what doesn't work. We still don't knwo what does work. Something could still be worng with me or him but we can't test for that until next year. Too many drugs and infections in me right now. And now IVF is truly a reality. We are probably gonna have to do it which sucks. It's so much money and so many shots and so many dr appts and just so much everything.
Anyway, I am once again giving myself the next couple of days to feel sorry for myself and then I will suck it up and try to have a happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas.

Decision

I refuse to get all depressed over this stuff. As sad as I am right now, it's not the end of the world. Not yet anyway. I still have faith that we will be parents at the end of all this, one way or the other. So we have to wait a few more months to try again, what's a few more months in the grand scheme of things? We are still young.

Discouraging news

I went to see Dr Loy yesterday so he could explain this next step in our process. I thought we would be going to injectables next cycle but now we are on a break until next year. I could still be pregnant at this very moment but if not then no more IUIs until 2010. That seems so far away. Because of this stupid c-diff issue I'm having he says I need to get healthy before we start again. Which makes sense. I've been on too much medicine lately and he says we need to get it out of my system so he can do a biopsy on my uterus to make sure I don't have a bacterial infection in there which could be prohibiting me from getting pregnant. They took my blood yesterday too to test my ovarian reserve. Won't find out for 2 weeks about that.

Also, he dropped the bomb that he went to a seminar and found out that the new thing to do is to go from IUI/ovidrel/femera straight to IVF. No stopping at the injectables. We don't have to go that route but he said that it lessens the chance of multiples and gives you a much greater chance of having a baby. He said it looks like that is gonna be our best shot. He doesn't understand why I'm not pregnant yet with everything we've done. I just started crying. Yesterday was just a bad bad day for me. Everything just came crashing down on me and I lost it. I've been sick or in pain al summer and into the fall and then to be told that, I had to go home from work after my appointment. I'm just so overwhelmed. At the start of all this it was kinda fun and exciting trying to get pregnant. Now, it's just plain scary and depressing. Thinking of all the money it looks like we are gonna have to spend and then we aren't even guaranteed a baby. And then what if nothing works? Are we destined to not have a biological baby? Just typing that hurts my heart. Will we adopt? And then there's the Tony issue. He can never seem to have a serious conversation about this. He just keeps saying 2011. I know he's on board with the baby stuff but he justwon't talk serious about it. He says he's indifferent about it because he doesn't want to get upset about it every month like I do. I get that, but I need to talk about it.

Moving

So, we are moving this weekend to our new house. We've been painting and fixing stuff for almost 3 weeks. I'm so over it but there is still much to be done. We have an empty bedroom that is just screaming for a baby to go in it. It's almost sad. Right now it is jsut an empty room but I wonder how we will feel about that room once we are actually living there. Will it just be a reflection of how I feel about all this? Or will it jsut be an empty room. Hopefully it will be filled with the cries of a baby soon. I painted it tan. Well, the IUI went okay but not great. Tony's numbers sucked the big one this time but the doc said they were still good enough to make a baby. I don't understand how last month he had 250 million sperm and this month he only had 60 million. How does it change so drastically? he better not have had a good time with himself in Jamaica. I told him not too. Anyway. This month I had 2 eggs to target and his sperm had to go and suck. Go figure. Well, maybe that's all we will need is the 2 targets. Maybe he will hit one, God willing.
My cousin is adopting 2 little girls in the next few months. She already has 3 kids. I'm jealous in a way. Why does she get to 5 kids? 5! We can't even seem to make one and she gets 5. I know it's wrong to feel this way and I AM happy for her but I'm also jealous of her. I read her blog and everything seems to be going well. They've had some bumps along the way but it's on track now. Why can't we get on track? In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I went off of birth control. 2 freaking years!!!! Granted we didn't start trying until February, but some people go off the pill and get knocked up right away. What the heck is worng with us? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? Does God jsut not want us to have biological children? At least if we knew for sure what the problem was, we could try to fix it. We thought it was the sperm, so we do the IUI to fix that, nope, not working so far. So is it really me that 's the problem? My body seems perfectly fine and normal. I don't knwo what to think anymore. God help me deal with this.