Fall

On to another cycle. It's finally Fall, my favorite season. I'm hoping it will be a new beginning for us. I died my hair a darker red and feel a little different. I like it. I just needed something new and it reflects my mood, a little darker side of me.
After everything seemed so perfect last cycle and then getting a BFN, I'm really getting nervous about whether we can do this. Tony asked me if I get really sad every time TOM comes and said it's complicated. Do I get sad? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Is it hard to get back on that horse again the next month knowing the possibility of failure is very much there waiting for me? Yes. But it seems that every month that we have had a negative result, there was a reason I was kinda okay with it. Whether it was because I had to be on drugs for my car accident and my teeth or because I was too stressed with buying the house and we had too many other things going on, or I had a cyst and couldn't try that month anyway, for some reason, I wasn't so sad that I sat down crying afterward. I don't want to have a crack baby or the baby to be unhealthy because I'm unhealthy! :-) I want to be the best I can be for this baby. On some level I guess I believe that maybe I still need to get through some of these other issues before God will give us a baby. Maybe that is just what I'm hoping and I'm actually in denial. Who cares. It keeps my hope alive and that is something I need.
So another cycle here we come. I think this is the last cycle we will be doing with this protocol. Next up is more shots plus the pills and IUI. I really hope we don't have to go that far, but I'm willing to if we have to. Whatever we gotta do.

Today

I've been thinking all week if I would test today or just wait it out like most other months. I've decided to wait until tomorrow to test. I havne't had any signs of anything good or bad so far. Don't know if the drugs I've had to take the past few weeks are affecting my body or what but I have a little bit of hope. I just hope that if I am pregnant, those drugs didn't hurt anything in there. It would be perfect timing if it happened this try. We just closed on our house yesterday and my teeth are feeling much better. What a great time to start growing a baby. We had our IUI on 9-9-09, maybe it was a lucky day. We will find out soon I suppose.
Crossing fingers, hoping and praying that this is it.

Teeth

Well, so much for the perfect cycle so far. I am having the worst time with my teeth. I woke up at 5 am on Saturday to the worst pain in my life. I need another root canal. I guess they awoke a sleeping monster when they did all that bone graphing and stuff in my mouth. So I've been on hardcore drugs all weekend. I know I'm not supposed to take that stuff in the 2ww, but I wanted to die it was so painful. So today I go get it done and hopefully it will fix the problem. I just hope that by taking those drugs it didn't mess anything up in my reproductive parts or hurt any little babies growing inside of me. I just have so much hope for this month. Everything seems to be perfect to create a human being inside of me this month. It would be perfect, my teeth will be fixed, we get the house and make a baby all at the same time. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

Good numbers

Well, Tony will be proud. All of his numbers for his er "deposit" came back better than ever. The doctor even said he hasn't seen numbers that high for one of the stats in a long time. So hopefully this is all good stuff and everything will do it's job and create a baby this time. I won't say I have a good feeling about this time but I will say that I feel good about this time. Best numbers yet. That's all we can ask for on his part. Now we just need everything to connect.

Starting again

So I go in for my IUI today. Dr says we can try this way 2 more times before moving to a different protocol. I pray we won't have to though.
I got my bloodwork on Sunday and they said to take my shot on Monday and make an appointment for Wendsday. Well, I forgot to make the appt and I called 20 minutes after they closed. I was so mad at myself, I started crying. I just had to hope they could get us in at the last minute this morning. Tony was a good sport about it and got up early and just went on a whim and they made room for us. Whew! I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have fit us in today. We've been on a break for 2 months now. I really wanted to get back to trying this month. So yeah, something went right. We also got an extension on our house closing. So today is a good day. I feel positive for the moment.
Everything rests on faith and hope now.

Nausea

I feel nauseas. I have so many pills in my system, I want to throw up. Most of them are from my tooth surgery so soon I will be done with them. But, Ugh!

Here we go again.

So, the cyst is finally gone. Moving forward with this next cycle.

Less stress

Well since being on a break this cycle, I have definitely been less stressed out. I've still got the house, my teeth and the car accident injuries to deal with but it is a little easier not worrying about timing for a baby and the disappointment if it didn't happen again this month. I'm completely expecting to move on to another cycle next week but for the first time in a long time, I won't be too upset about it. I know I need to get some other things out of the way first and get my ducks in a row before I need to be pregnant. I'm still as impatient as ever but I'm dealing with it a little better this time around. Of course, we still casually timed it just for fun this month because you never know. I believe in miracles, I ust wish one would happen to me. :-)
Nothing new to report until next week.

Dream

Had a dream last night that I was at the beach for our annual family beach trip and I was pregnant with twins. All of a sudden, I had the babies, one was a boy and the other a girl. We named the girl Ava and the boy we didn't know what to name it but the name Sam came to my mind. Don't know if we ever named it that. Anyway, these babies were way early or something because we had no baby gear at all. I walked into one of the rooms and my family had thrown me a shower and they were all surprised to see that I had already had the babies and that there were 2 of them. When we went to go home I realized that we couldn't because we didn't have 1 car seat let alone 2. So we were stuck. Then I woke up.
So what does that mean? We aren't ready? I'll be pregnant by next year at the beach? I'm gonna have twins? Or does it mean nothing and it's just a dream?
I guess we will see.

Time off

Cyst is still there so I'm taking the month off. I've got other things to stress about so this will just be one less thing. I thought I would be torn about it but I'm not at the moment. I need some rest from all of this and I've got too much other stuff going on right now. So hopefully the cyst will go bye bye this month and we will try again next month.

Staying on the same protocol for at least one more month once we start again. After that, it's on to 4 shots a month. Exciting.

TOM

Tom showed up yesterday. Right on time. At least that is one thing about my body that works. So, today I have an appt with the Dr. to see what we do next. I am thinking of taking a month off so I won't be so stressed with the house, teeth and baby stuff happening all at once. Who knows. I guess I'll figure it out once we talk about it. I have to move on to another protocol next time anyway, so we'll see.

So, here we are

Here we are again, at the end of another cycle. Not the real end, just starting to feel my body wind down and get ready for whatever is coming next. A fork in the road. Go to the right and we are making a baby. Go to the left and we've got the same redundancy I've been having for the past year and a half...nothing. Which way is it gonna be God? I know I have no control over it. But I hate relying on others to get stuff done. So it's hard to just give it up to God at this point. Then again, I've been trying to do it on my own with no success so why not give it up to God. I'm tired.
So many lessons to learn. I just wish I didn't feel so beaten up by the time I learn them.
I don't even know if this makes any sense.
Going on Wednesday to talk about next cycle and what we are going to do. Don't know if I will even have a next cycle, could be pregnant but I just like having my ducks in a row. Should know this some time week if I'm postive or negative anyway.

Third times a charm?

I had my IUI today. Kinda weird talking to the doc about the next cycle when I just started this one. Not that we expect it to fail or anything, but if this one doesn't work, we have to regroup and move on to somethig else. I'm not very positive this month. Not much is going right in any aspect of my life so I don't have high hopes for this to work either. I feel tired, beaten down today. The house stuff is really getting to me. I feel like we just can't win at anything at the moment. Tony doesn't help. I can't tell if he is just being a butthead about the baby stuff or if that is just his way of putting his frustration about it on me instead of dealing with it himself. I need a shoulder to lean on but I feel like I'm carrying this whole load by myself. Every month it gets heavier. Maybe we will take next month off if it doesn't work. But then again, that comes with it's own set of anxiety and wondering. We will see. Hopefully we can take the next 9 months off. :-) See I still have some hope left. Just a little.

Onward

I've been doing OPK's all week hoping that I would actually ovulate this month since this stupid cyst is making my body act dumb. So last night I did one right before bed and it was a lot darker than anything this week, so I thought maybe I'll check again tomorrow and sure enough, + OPK this morning. So I went in for a folli scan just to see what this cyst is doing and see how big my follies are. I had one big one ready to go and the cyst is finaly shrinking. It was 18mm last Monday, now it is 14mm. So tomorrow is the IUI. Not really betting on this one since it's cycle day 20 and the folli is only at 17mm but anything can happen. If this one works, it will really be a miracle. Everything is against us this cycle...no meds, a cyst, late ovulation, only 1 follicle. But hey, I'm ready for it.

Still waiting

So I haven't ovulated yet, and it's cycle day 17. I usually ovulate around day 16-20 when I'm not on drugs so I'm still waiting. No sign so far. I'm just confused as to what this cycle is gonna be like. Is that stupid cyst gonna not let me ovulate or just do it later than normal? I hate not knowing what is going on inside of me. And I hate that this is probably a wasted month. Now I have to hope and pray that the cyst goes away before the next cycle or I'll be waiting some more. They say that cysts usually take 1-3 months to go away on there own, but if this one isn't gone this cycle then I'm taking the BCP to break it up next cycle. I'm too impatient for this stuff.

Confused

What just happened? I went in on Friday for a follicle scan and I had 2 that were at 12mm each. One on each ovary. I also still had the cyst on my left ovary but she said it looked like it was starting to break down. Fast forward to today, I go in for another scan to see when I should take the ovidrel shot. Well, the 2 follicles that were at 12mm are no longer there, there are just a couple smaller ones instead. My cyst is still there, not getting any bigger but not really any smaller either. So what happened? The nurse said I might have ovulated already, but I'm only on cycle day 13. I've never ovulated that early or I might not ovulate at all because of the cyst. She pretty much didn't have a straight answer, so they took more bloodwork to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. I guess that will tell us if I did ovulate or what the heck is going on. So confusing.
Basically it looks like this month is shot. Now I just wonder when it will end since I have no idea what is going on with my body.

Denied

I hope I'm not turning into THAT girl but I turned down a chance to have dinner with some people I know from high school because no one has seen each other in years and I know they are all gonna talk about babies, babies, babies. 2 of them have 5 kids and another has twins. I just don't want to go through having to say the whole not yet speech to everybody and have them give their opinions on it. Hopefully I'm not turning into a bitter betty but i just don't want to deal with it right now.
Oh well.

Cyst

So, today I went in for my CD3 ovary check and what do you know? I have a cyst on my left ovary. That means I can't take the Femera because it will cause the cyst to grow and that would be bad.
So my options are:

1. to just take the month off and relax
2. take birth control for 2 weeks to break up the cyst and have an earlier period for next cycle
3. since I ovulate on my own anyway, take the Ovidrel shot and do the IUI without taking Femera and hope for the best

She said maybe taking the month off and just trying on our own would be good because it's less stress and maybe that will help things out. But after 14 months of trying on our own, we know that probably wouldn't work anyway. She said the birth control route would only make my cycle shorter by about a week and she didn't recommend that one. So I am going to say go for it and try the Ovidrel and IUI without the pills and see what happens. I just don't want to sit around and not try at all and possibly miss the one egg that will fertilize.

She was also going to test my ovarian reserve today but she couldn't because of the cyst. So next month I get to look forward to that. I thought I already had that tested but I guess not. That wil tell us how good my eggs are if we should continue the IUI's or if we need to move on to more aggressive treatments. Lord help me if my reserve sucks. Tony does not want to pay for IVF and it will just be devastating all around.

Gee...shocking!

Bitter party of one! That would be me. Well this month just sucked the big one all over the place. No I am not pregnant. Shocking, I know. On to IUI# 3. Lucky #3? We will see. Do I have faith that it will actually work this time? Yes, but only because I don't believe God wants us to be childless and 3 is my favorite number so maybe it will be lucky for us this time. Do I actually think it will work this time? Probably not. Why would it? What's gonna be different this time? I hope that's not putting negative energy out there but I'm just being honest with myself. I've got conflicting ideas going on in my head about all this. I've got faith on one side telling me anything is possible and trying to be realistic on the other, the %'s are not on our side. I refuse to believe that we will not be able to have a baby. So that's why I take these pills and shoot myself with meds, for the hope that it will happen.

Here we are a year and a half into this thing and nothing to show for it but doctor bills and a broken heart. Is it getting harder and harder to put myself through this every month? Yes, but it wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't so hard I guess. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard for me and so easy for others. God must believe I am one strong woman to put me through this. I know he won't give me any obstacle I can't overcome or handle but sometimes it's overwhelming, especially with everything else going on. I know other people have it worse off than me in one way of the other but this is my day of the month that I let myself go off on this stuff so I'm venting and having a pity party.

God, I'm just asking that you go easy on me this month. Give me the strength to deal with whatever happens, good or bad. And give me patience to live on your time and not mine. I'm trying.

So here we go again. Good luck to myself and Tony. We need it. :-)

Body in working order

No cysts again this cycle, which is good. Done taking Femera. Worked last time, hopefully it will work again. Going on Thursday to find out. Ordered the Ovidrel shot. Not looking forward to that but at least I know I can give it to myself. Maybe this time I won't cry. Doubtful though. :-/
You would think I would have a break in thinking about all this since we are buying a house, and I've got other things to worry about, but no, still in my mind everyday. Why would it work this time? What will be different?
So many doubts but trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm trying.
So far so good this month though. :-)