Talking

Tony and I talked a little bit about the IVF process last night. We talked about the money and how we need to have a plan for next year no matter what which road we go down. We both think we should try the injectables first and see how that goes and then we will decide if we will do the IVF or adoption or see what other options we have. We need to save some money no matter what. At least we talked about it. He never wants to talk about it because of the money. We had a nice anniversary dinner at Texas de Brazil so that was nice.

2010

On the bench again. TOM arrived yesterday so now we are officially on hold until next year. I guess Tony will be getting his 2011 baby if we get one at all. I am being very negative right now but that's just how I feel. I feel defeated. I feel like this year is just like last year, a waste of time. We haven't gotten any closer to having a baby except that now we know what doesn't work. We still don't knwo what does work. Something could still be worng with me or him but we can't test for that until next year. Too many drugs and infections in me right now. And now IVF is truly a reality. We are probably gonna have to do it which sucks. It's so much money and so many shots and so many dr appts and just so much everything.
Anyway, I am once again giving myself the next couple of days to feel sorry for myself and then I will suck it up and try to have a happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas.

Decision

I refuse to get all depressed over this stuff. As sad as I am right now, it's not the end of the world. Not yet anyway. I still have faith that we will be parents at the end of all this, one way or the other. So we have to wait a few more months to try again, what's a few more months in the grand scheme of things? We are still young.

Discouraging news

I went to see Dr Loy yesterday so he could explain this next step in our process. I thought we would be going to injectables next cycle but now we are on a break until next year. I could still be pregnant at this very moment but if not then no more IUIs until 2010. That seems so far away. Because of this stupid c-diff issue I'm having he says I need to get healthy before we start again. Which makes sense. I've been on too much medicine lately and he says we need to get it out of my system so he can do a biopsy on my uterus to make sure I don't have a bacterial infection in there which could be prohibiting me from getting pregnant. They took my blood yesterday too to test my ovarian reserve. Won't find out for 2 weeks about that.

Also, he dropped the bomb that he went to a seminar and found out that the new thing to do is to go from IUI/ovidrel/femera straight to IVF. No stopping at the injectables. We don't have to go that route but he said that it lessens the chance of multiples and gives you a much greater chance of having a baby. He said it looks like that is gonna be our best shot. He doesn't understand why I'm not pregnant yet with everything we've done. I just started crying. Yesterday was just a bad bad day for me. Everything just came crashing down on me and I lost it. I've been sick or in pain al summer and into the fall and then to be told that, I had to go home from work after my appointment. I'm just so overwhelmed. At the start of all this it was kinda fun and exciting trying to get pregnant. Now, it's just plain scary and depressing. Thinking of all the money it looks like we are gonna have to spend and then we aren't even guaranteed a baby. And then what if nothing works? Are we destined to not have a biological baby? Just typing that hurts my heart. Will we adopt? And then there's the Tony issue. He can never seem to have a serious conversation about this. He just keeps saying 2011. I know he's on board with the baby stuff but he justwon't talk serious about it. He says he's indifferent about it because he doesn't want to get upset about it every month like I do. I get that, but I need to talk about it.

Moving

So, we are moving this weekend to our new house. We've been painting and fixing stuff for almost 3 weeks. I'm so over it but there is still much to be done. We have an empty bedroom that is just screaming for a baby to go in it. It's almost sad. Right now it is jsut an empty room but I wonder how we will feel about that room once we are actually living there. Will it just be a reflection of how I feel about all this? Or will it jsut be an empty room. Hopefully it will be filled with the cries of a baby soon. I painted it tan. Well, the IUI went okay but not great. Tony's numbers sucked the big one this time but the doc said they were still good enough to make a baby. I don't understand how last month he had 250 million sperm and this month he only had 60 million. How does it change so drastically? he better not have had a good time with himself in Jamaica. I told him not too. Anyway. This month I had 2 eggs to target and his sperm had to go and suck. Go figure. Well, maybe that's all we will need is the 2 targets. Maybe he will hit one, God willing.
My cousin is adopting 2 little girls in the next few months. She already has 3 kids. I'm jealous in a way. Why does she get to 5 kids? 5! We can't even seem to make one and she gets 5. I know it's wrong to feel this way and I AM happy for her but I'm also jealous of her. I read her blog and everything seems to be going well. They've had some bumps along the way but it's on track now. Why can't we get on track? In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I went off of birth control. 2 freaking years!!!! Granted we didn't start trying until February, but some people go off the pill and get knocked up right away. What the heck is worng with us? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? Does God jsut not want us to have biological children? At least if we knew for sure what the problem was, we could try to fix it. We thought it was the sperm, so we do the IUI to fix that, nope, not working so far. So is it really me that 's the problem? My body seems perfectly fine and normal. I don't knwo what to think anymore. God help me deal with this.

Jamaica

Tony is going to Jamaica. Out of the blue Friday he gets a call from a former client that has a hotel in Jamaica to see if he can come out and fix his gaskets. He asked if I wanted to go but I can't because I don't have any spare days at work. So he is leaving in few minutes to go to a tropical island and I'm stuck here at work. Blah! We almost missed doing the IUI this month because the nurse thought my follicles were pretty big and I would need to do it on Thursday, and of course he isn't coming home until Thursday. But I just got the call and they said we could do the IUI on Friday. So here's hoping my eggs don't ovulate until Friday afternoon and everything comes together and we make a baby this month. It's our anniversary on the 28th. that would be a good present. I'm just saying.

Fall

On to another cycle. It's finally Fall, my favorite season. I'm hoping it will be a new beginning for us. I died my hair a darker red and feel a little different. I like it. I just needed something new and it reflects my mood, a little darker side of me.
After everything seemed so perfect last cycle and then getting a BFN, I'm really getting nervous about whether we can do this. Tony asked me if I get really sad every time TOM comes and said it's complicated. Do I get sad? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Is it hard to get back on that horse again the next month knowing the possibility of failure is very much there waiting for me? Yes. But it seems that every month that we have had a negative result, there was a reason I was kinda okay with it. Whether it was because I had to be on drugs for my car accident and my teeth or because I was too stressed with buying the house and we had too many other things going on, or I had a cyst and couldn't try that month anyway, for some reason, I wasn't so sad that I sat down crying afterward. I don't want to have a crack baby or the baby to be unhealthy because I'm unhealthy! :-) I want to be the best I can be for this baby. On some level I guess I believe that maybe I still need to get through some of these other issues before God will give us a baby. Maybe that is just what I'm hoping and I'm actually in denial. Who cares. It keeps my hope alive and that is something I need.
So another cycle here we come. I think this is the last cycle we will be doing with this protocol. Next up is more shots plus the pills and IUI. I really hope we don't have to go that far, but I'm willing to if we have to. Whatever we gotta do.

Today

I've been thinking all week if I would test today or just wait it out like most other months. I've decided to wait until tomorrow to test. I havne't had any signs of anything good or bad so far. Don't know if the drugs I've had to take the past few weeks are affecting my body or what but I have a little bit of hope. I just hope that if I am pregnant, those drugs didn't hurt anything in there. It would be perfect timing if it happened this try. We just closed on our house yesterday and my teeth are feeling much better. What a great time to start growing a baby. We had our IUI on 9-9-09, maybe it was a lucky day. We will find out soon I suppose.
Crossing fingers, hoping and praying that this is it.

Teeth

Well, so much for the perfect cycle so far. I am having the worst time with my teeth. I woke up at 5 am on Saturday to the worst pain in my life. I need another root canal. I guess they awoke a sleeping monster when they did all that bone graphing and stuff in my mouth. So I've been on hardcore drugs all weekend. I know I'm not supposed to take that stuff in the 2ww, but I wanted to die it was so painful. So today I go get it done and hopefully it will fix the problem. I just hope that by taking those drugs it didn't mess anything up in my reproductive parts or hurt any little babies growing inside of me. I just have so much hope for this month. Everything seems to be perfect to create a human being inside of me this month. It would be perfect, my teeth will be fixed, we get the house and make a baby all at the same time. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

Good numbers

Well, Tony will be proud. All of his numbers for his er "deposit" came back better than ever. The doctor even said he hasn't seen numbers that high for one of the stats in a long time. So hopefully this is all good stuff and everything will do it's job and create a baby this time. I won't say I have a good feeling about this time but I will say that I feel good about this time. Best numbers yet. That's all we can ask for on his part. Now we just need everything to connect.

Starting again

So I go in for my IUI today. Dr says we can try this way 2 more times before moving to a different protocol. I pray we won't have to though.
I got my bloodwork on Sunday and they said to take my shot on Monday and make an appointment for Wendsday. Well, I forgot to make the appt and I called 20 minutes after they closed. I was so mad at myself, I started crying. I just had to hope they could get us in at the last minute this morning. Tony was a good sport about it and got up early and just went on a whim and they made room for us. Whew! I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have fit us in today. We've been on a break for 2 months now. I really wanted to get back to trying this month. So yeah, something went right. We also got an extension on our house closing. So today is a good day. I feel positive for the moment.
Everything rests on faith and hope now.

Nausea

I feel nauseas. I have so many pills in my system, I want to throw up. Most of them are from my tooth surgery so soon I will be done with them. But, Ugh!

Here we go again.

So, the cyst is finally gone. Moving forward with this next cycle.

Less stress

Well since being on a break this cycle, I have definitely been less stressed out. I've still got the house, my teeth and the car accident injuries to deal with but it is a little easier not worrying about timing for a baby and the disappointment if it didn't happen again this month. I'm completely expecting to move on to another cycle next week but for the first time in a long time, I won't be too upset about it. I know I need to get some other things out of the way first and get my ducks in a row before I need to be pregnant. I'm still as impatient as ever but I'm dealing with it a little better this time around. Of course, we still casually timed it just for fun this month because you never know. I believe in miracles, I ust wish one would happen to me. :-)
Nothing new to report until next week.

Dream

Had a dream last night that I was at the beach for our annual family beach trip and I was pregnant with twins. All of a sudden, I had the babies, one was a boy and the other a girl. We named the girl Ava and the boy we didn't know what to name it but the name Sam came to my mind. Don't know if we ever named it that. Anyway, these babies were way early or something because we had no baby gear at all. I walked into one of the rooms and my family had thrown me a shower and they were all surprised to see that I had already had the babies and that there were 2 of them. When we went to go home I realized that we couldn't because we didn't have 1 car seat let alone 2. So we were stuck. Then I woke up.
So what does that mean? We aren't ready? I'll be pregnant by next year at the beach? I'm gonna have twins? Or does it mean nothing and it's just a dream?
I guess we will see.

Time off

Cyst is still there so I'm taking the month off. I've got other things to stress about so this will just be one less thing. I thought I would be torn about it but I'm not at the moment. I need some rest from all of this and I've got too much other stuff going on right now. So hopefully the cyst will go bye bye this month and we will try again next month.

Staying on the same protocol for at least one more month once we start again. After that, it's on to 4 shots a month. Exciting.

TOM

Tom showed up yesterday. Right on time. At least that is one thing about my body that works. So, today I have an appt with the Dr. to see what we do next. I am thinking of taking a month off so I won't be so stressed with the house, teeth and baby stuff happening all at once. Who knows. I guess I'll figure it out once we talk about it. I have to move on to another protocol next time anyway, so we'll see.

So, here we are

Here we are again, at the end of another cycle. Not the real end, just starting to feel my body wind down and get ready for whatever is coming next. A fork in the road. Go to the right and we are making a baby. Go to the left and we've got the same redundancy I've been having for the past year and a half...nothing. Which way is it gonna be God? I know I have no control over it. But I hate relying on others to get stuff done. So it's hard to just give it up to God at this point. Then again, I've been trying to do it on my own with no success so why not give it up to God. I'm tired.
So many lessons to learn. I just wish I didn't feel so beaten up by the time I learn them.
I don't even know if this makes any sense.
Going on Wednesday to talk about next cycle and what we are going to do. Don't know if I will even have a next cycle, could be pregnant but I just like having my ducks in a row. Should know this some time week if I'm postive or negative anyway.

Third times a charm?

I had my IUI today. Kinda weird talking to the doc about the next cycle when I just started this one. Not that we expect it to fail or anything, but if this one doesn't work, we have to regroup and move on to somethig else. I'm not very positive this month. Not much is going right in any aspect of my life so I don't have high hopes for this to work either. I feel tired, beaten down today. The house stuff is really getting to me. I feel like we just can't win at anything at the moment. Tony doesn't help. I can't tell if he is just being a butthead about the baby stuff or if that is just his way of putting his frustration about it on me instead of dealing with it himself. I need a shoulder to lean on but I feel like I'm carrying this whole load by myself. Every month it gets heavier. Maybe we will take next month off if it doesn't work. But then again, that comes with it's own set of anxiety and wondering. We will see. Hopefully we can take the next 9 months off. :-) See I still have some hope left. Just a little.

Onward

I've been doing OPK's all week hoping that I would actually ovulate this month since this stupid cyst is making my body act dumb. So last night I did one right before bed and it was a lot darker than anything this week, so I thought maybe I'll check again tomorrow and sure enough, + OPK this morning. So I went in for a folli scan just to see what this cyst is doing and see how big my follies are. I had one big one ready to go and the cyst is finaly shrinking. It was 18mm last Monday, now it is 14mm. So tomorrow is the IUI. Not really betting on this one since it's cycle day 20 and the folli is only at 17mm but anything can happen. If this one works, it will really be a miracle. Everything is against us this cycle...no meds, a cyst, late ovulation, only 1 follicle. But hey, I'm ready for it.